Re: [UUPoly-L] Fidelity Bashing [was Re: Promiscuity Bashing]

["Moonstorm Erosong" <mnstrm@erosong.net>]

Um, Thomas, I haven't heard anyone here bashing fidelity, or even
monogamy, as valid lifestyle choices.  At least it was certainly not my
intention to do so.

> You know, I hate to be difficult, but I find the vehement insistence
that Poly does mean "promiscuous" to be more than a little annoying,
even offensive.

I have no desire to suggest that poly MEANS promiscuous, or to offend
non-promiscuous polys.  I only point out that some poly people are in fact
happily and responsibly promiscuous, and it is insulting to them to try to
hide them from the world in order to make poly look better to the
mainstream.

>
> You live your life your way. Great. Go for it. But the seeming
> blanket insistence that the label "Poly" means your exact lifestyle (or
you'll refuse to use the term) is at the very least a bit odd.

I agree with this.  Polyamory is a blanket term which covers a wide range
of relationship styles from the ethical slut to the upstanding polyfide. 
I agree that we ought to resist the tendency of one subgroup to restrict
the label poly to just their own personal lovestyle.

>
> Our household is very definitely Poly; the deed for our home has more
than two names on it as a good example. And for us casual sex means
"blue jeans permitted". That works for us quite well, thank you very
much. Nobody in our household feels "oppressed" or limited by having a
closed relationship.

And I certainly see no reason why you should.

>
> If "Polyamory" as a movement is to mean anything really (IMnsHO) the
focus needs to be on Responsible Non-monogamy Between Consenting Adults.
That means that, yeah, it includes "swingers" (if they are being upfront
and honest), it includes us "bad as monogamy" folks, it includes FLDS
folks (when all partners are adults). Anything else is both exclusionary
and an excuse to justify why your lifestyle choices are better than
other peoples.

Can't disagree with that.

>
> For "getting out the message" that means pushing the HONESTY aspect.
After all, in America today some variation of non-monogamy is the norm.
The pattern of "serial monogamy" is simply *not monogamous*. Many
surveys show a majority of married individuals admitting to cheating on
their partner. So, non-monogamy really is the norm. Our focus should be
on emphasizing Responsibility and Honesty, and the value of those. And
to push for legal and social recognition for those of us trying (one way
or another) to live to *those* ideals. Good time to go back to the 7
Principles, we are supposed to be
> supporting each other in the responsible individual search for truth,
not pushing our personal vision of Truth.

Once more, I agree wholeheartedly.  As I have said a number of times,
polyamory is not so much about sex, or about love, as it is about
values--the values of honesty and responsibility.

Blessings,

'Storm