Re: [UUPoly-L] Fidelity Bashing [was Re: Promiscuity Bashing]

[Anita Wagner <imapolygirl@yahoo.com>]

--- Ken Haslam <haslamk@dmv.com> wrote:
> 
> 	I have a member of my extended Poly family (who is also a swinger 
> BTW) who says:
> 
> 	"Sex is what you do while you are getting to know someone"

Which I imagine was John's point when he said that without one night
stands one is celebate.  I can understand how it might be confusing
when said in that fashion, but I imagine what he means as that every
time we have sex for the first time with someone, there is always the
risk that things won't go as one or both hope and that the
interaction will end up being a one night stand because one or both
don't wish to go any farther.  Or things could go beautifully and
result in a very meaningful ongoing relationship, as in Ken's case. 
The point is that it's hard to tell what will happen until the
experience has been had.  

I also imagine that the intention the parties bring to the first
sexual interaction makes a difference to TAA.  Some polys always
intend that the first will be only the beginning of many more, while
folks who are happy being more promiscuous but are also open to the
possibility of establishing something long term sometimes leave the
outcome up to the universe without any particular intentions or
expectations up front.  I really don't see the harm either way so
long as everyone is clear on expectations beforehand and plays safe. 


And Jas's observation that the heat here has to do with feelings of
being marginalized is right on.  However, I think it's only fair to
also acknowledge that there are good and not-so-good ways of raising
the subject.  It seems to me that overreacting to and misinterpreting
others' words would fall into the latter category.  

There was a very surprising conversation our local list a year or two
ago where someone got very angry that I had asked for feedback on the
subject of being sex-positive.  The principal objecter seemed to
interpret my inquiry as an endorsement for promiscuity, which he
abhored and angrily rejected as a valid identity or pursuit for
"serious" polys.  Apparently my inquiry caused him to read huge
meta-messages that I did not intend.  

What irony that the subject of sex is so controversial even within
our own commmunity.  

Best,
Anita