Re: [UUPoly-L] Marginalization

["Maka Laughingwolf" <maka@riseup.net>]

On 2/23/06, JasmineGld@aol.com <JasmineGld@aol.com> wrote:
> Who else feels marginalized within this list?  Within their UU  congregation?
>  Or elsewhere?  Can we talk about this major  issue?

I think it's a great idea to talk about this issue. I am not currently
actively involved with a UU congregation, having recently dropped out
due to burnout (several years on the board and serving on too many
committees, etc.). I have felt marginalized within my UU congregation,
mostly due to the assumption that every adult is either in a long-term
committed relationship, or they want to be...and how that assumption
gets expressed in sermons, in planning events, etc. Fortunately, I'm
part of a wonderful collective/community that works hard not to
marginalize anybody and is open to polyamory as a group (though not
all of the individuals are interested in being polyamorous). These are
the folks I spend 95% of my time with outside of my job, so
marginalization isn't something I worry about in my daily life most of
the time. But within the larger poly community, I often feel
marginalized.

I think I've expressed some of my feelings of marginalization here
already, in this conversation as well as previous ones.

I feel marginalized in the poly community because I am not only not
looking for, but really actively resistant to, a primary relationship
with another person. I am my own primary partner, and all of my other
relationships - sexual, sensual, familial, platonic - come second to
my relationship with myself.

I feel marginalized because I do sometimes have what many poly folks
refer to as "one night stands", "casual sex", etc. While most of the
time I have sex with people I am already in some sort of relationship
with, and most of those are people I *love*, I am not opposed to
having sex (or some sort of sexual/sensual interaction - when I say
"sex" I don't actually mean any specific act, but any sort of intimate
physical contact) with someone who doesn't fit those categories, and
sometimes I do. Sometimes, as I said earlier, I have sex one time with
one of the people that does fit those categories - not sure if some
folks would consider that a "one-night stand" or not.

I feel marginalized because the very idea of any sort of ownership
paradigm squicks me hard, and that includes primary relationships with
"veto power" or where I would be expected to phone home and ask
permission of a partner before I was intimate in some way with someone
else. This seems to be very common within the poly community (and
indeed, was once my idea of a perfect poly marriage, only to find that
it didn't work for us at all), leaving me feeling like once again, I'm
"not really poly" or on the fringes.

I feel marginalized because the idea of hierarchy is anathema to me,
as an anarchist, and I can't imagine wanting to recreate any sort of
hierarchy in my relationships.

I feel marginalized because I don't categorize my lovers by what we do
or don't do sexually/sensually together. I have people I consider my
lovers who I have never and most likely will never be naked with, kiss
in a sexual way, or be otherwise sexually intimate with. Most poly
people don't like this view.

I know I could say more, but it's time to go pick up my son from school!

--
Love!
~ Maka

The revolution is not going to happen tomorrow - it's never going to
happen. It's taking place RIGHT NOW. It is an alternate universe that
coexists with this one, and you can step into it any time you like.