Re: [UUPoly-L] struggling

["Christine Heinsohn" <kb4wyr@fhrd.net>]

Christine Heinsohn
Elmdale, Kansas 66850
My Cooking Blog:
http://momshearth.livejournal.com/ 
 
 
Angela wrote:

My partner is not oppositional.  A woman I am talking to about opening
ourselves to one another--her husband is frightened of losing their
relationship.  We are talking and he is willing to get to know me and
my husband better, and is not shutting it out completely but he says
it is outside his comfort zone.  Of course, I treat him with respect
and care.  As well as all involved.
 


[Christine's comments:] 

I have heard it said that Polyamory goes at the pace of the slowest member
of the group involved.  I see so truth in that, but....It's not 100%
correct.
Are is
First of all, it is wonderful that he has recognized that the situation is
out of his comfort zone and his STILL willing to talk as well as get to know
you all.  Work on developing a friendship first and foremost.  Work on
developing trust.  

What aspects is he afraid of losing?  Ask him to speak of them.  And don't
immediately say things like, "Oh, that won't happen"  because they may.
Polyamory is risky business, it's risky because relating in new ways creates
change.  So what one has come to be "true" or "always there" changes.  Maybe
it doesn't change in a bad way, but it changes, the comfort zone is altered.


Jealousy is not a bad emotion.  It's an emotion that should be experienced
and then the correct course of action chosen after the experiencing.
Retaliation and recrimination are not necessarily correct courses of action
following the experience of jealousy.

You and your new friends might benefit from reading some of the "old
standbys" if you haven't already...

The Ethical Slut
Polyamory: The New Love without Limits

Both are available for Amazon.

Also, a really cool about knowing someone is different sexually than you are
is titled:  Someone You Know is Kinky.  Yes it is aimed more at the BDSM
world, but as I was reading it, it also seemed like most of what was being
said about acceptance was true for those of us involved in polyamory.  So if
the world of Kink does not squick you, that book might be good reading as
well.