Re: [UUPoly-L] UUCA: welcoming congregation

["Les Addison" <les@weirdness.org>]

My polyamory style has been described as an intimate network.  I've assisted
two of the people that I was involved with in teaching a class on polyamory,
and we had drawn a chart on the wall that included the four of us in the
room, each of our other partners, and their other partners.  One woman in
the group was horrified, and from some of what she said initially, it
appeared that she thought that that size group couldn't possibly care about
each other.  In talking about it, though, it turned out that she assumed
that all 20+ people on the chart never used condoms with anyone in the
group, and she was concerned about our sexual health.  Somehow, for her,
love + sex = no condoms, while sex with a friend or someone you're dating
casually COULD mean condoms.

Her aversion wasn't to casual sex or number of sexual partners, it was to
the epidemiological concerns that would be present in a large and open fluid
bonded group.

I can't say that I blame her for thinking that "I love you" isn't a very
good protection against an STI.  I just happen to have different solutions
to that challenge.

Les

On 12/1/06, Laura Stewart <lonelocust@gmail.com> wrote:
> For example, say Joe is sort of uncomfortable with the idea of poly.
> His friend Mary is in a poly relationship.  Joe says to Mary "Well
> isn't that just an excuse to have sex with more than one person?"
> Let's say Mary is in a closed poly relationship.  I think it would not
> be the best thing for her to say "Oh, it's not about that at all!  I
> only have sex with my partners whom I'm very in love with!  So your
> fear of casual sex is nothing to worry about!"  I believe this
> implicitly agrees with some of the negative impressions that Joe has.
> I think it would be better for Mary to say "Well, what about having
> sex with multiple people do you think is a problem and why?  I can
> talk about my experiences, needs, and choices, and those of others
> twith whom I have discussed this topic at length."  I don't think Mary
> should say "Well personally I only have sex with my partners whom I'm
> very in love with, but other people have casual sex and that's OK too,
> but I don't know much about them."