[UUPoly-L] Oh no! Another poly/swinger post!

[Joani Blank <joani@swansway.com>]

Dear Friends,

I'm re-posting a contribution to this list that I originally made a 
little over a year ago, because it explains (in more detail than you 
may want to read) what differentiates swinging from polyamory in my 
world view.  You will find here absolutely no reference to 
commitment, emotional depth, romantic connection, communication, 
honesty, casual sex or their opposites. It's just about why "my 
people" includes very few swingers (though it does include poly 
friends who occasionally participate in swinger's events, though 
their primary sociosexual identity is not swinger)......this last 
statement brings to mind something I heard from the inimitable Betty 
Dodson many years ago. She said, "My basic sexuality is my 
masturbation. Everything else is how I choose to socialize that basic 
sexuality."

Swingers and poly people havem to my way of thinking, only two things 
in common.  1)They have more than one sexual partner (I'm not 
including those persons who practice serial monogamy). 2) Both or all 
of their partners know and accept (perhaps even approve of) their 
partner or partners having other sexual partners.  To my way of 
thinking, everything else about the way swingers relate to one 
another and to non-swingers, and the way poly people relate to one 
another and to non-poly people is, as they say, up for grabs.....

Here's my old post.  Hope it has some relevance to the current 
discussion in which folks are trying (admirably) to describe 
and  increase our understanding of this thing we call polyamory. I 
hope it enriches the discussion instead of being a distraction.

11/12/05

I think consenting adults should do anything sexual that they damn 
well please as long as they do it in private (or in a group of others 
who are consenting/volunteering to be there).

When those who are swingers get together I'm not particularly 
interested in being with them, and it is NOT because I disapprove of 
their sexual behavior, or for that matter, because I am uninterested 
in casual sex for myself.  I generally don't want to hang out with 
swingers because:

They are typically very hetero-coupled.

The men are usually very homophobic and avoid touching one another.

Those same men are eager to watch their female partners be sexual 
with other women and sometimes pressure them to do so.

As a group they are not very knowledgeable about sex, and are prone 
to very stereotypical sexual activity.

The men are often quite inhibited about expressing themselves 
sexually, Occasionally at  swingers' party you will hear a woman 
coming, but rarely a man.

At swingers' events very few people just watch others playing, and 
those who do watch almost never masturbate while watching.

Male swingers tend to be very cavalier about safe sex.  The men will 
politely agree to use a condom if a woman requests it, but they 
rarely initiate condom use, and are often fine about going without a 
condom if their female play partner is okay with that, or if she 
doesn't request or insist on it.

They are much more likely to be smokers and drinkers than the folks I 
like to hang out with.

They are typically extremely closeted about their swinging.

AND their ranks are overflowing with Republicans, and what I call 
right wing Libertarians--you know who I mean: Libertarians whom you 
don't have to scratch the surface of very much to find a Republican 
underneath.  It is no accident that the world center for swingers is 
in Orange County, CA, one of the most reactionary places in the nation.

[Now before you jump all over me about this last one, let me say that 
I know most UU congregations have one or a few politically 
conservative members, and I know we don't have to think alike to love 
alike or to worship together, and I might well even share a theology 
with someone whose politics are far to the right of mine.  But I am 
in a beloved community of UUs in large measure because most of them 
are as politically and socially progressive as I am.]

So I don't eschew swinging because it is about sex without emotional 
intimacy. I don't participate in swinging because I don't want to 
waste a social evening (that happens to include sexual contact) with 
people with whom I have almost nothing in common. people I don't even 
like very much. Casual (and safe) sex with friends or even with 
people I hardly know is lovely, but for the most part those people 
are not swingers, unless they are poly people who happen to also 
enjoy swinging.  Even then, I'm not likely to meet up with them at a 
swingers' party because, well, because I m not likeley to be there.

Joani
p.s. My best friend David says that I'm an snob. He thinks I don't 
like being around swingers because many of them are less well 
educated than I am and they are much more likely to come from working 
class backgrounds and still maintain working class attitudes and 
morality.  He may be right.


Joani Blank
510-834-7399
Cell: 510-387-1315
joani@swansway.com
www.joaniblank.com