[UUPoly-L] Too many circles, lines, triangles.....

[Joani Blank <joani@swansway.com>]

Too many circles, lines, triangles, continui (plural of 
continuum)....it's making my head hurt.  I posted a totally different 
angle earlier today. and now this.  In one of the posts about the 
triangle or one of the other shapes the poster said something about 
leaving cheating out altogether, because it doesn't apply to 
polyamory or swinging.  But I would claim that even within the most 
open poly folks there is a wide  variety of choices people make about 
just exactly how open or how honest to be. We could probably come 
close to agreeing on what cheating is---having a significant sexual 
and/or romantic contact with someone other than a partner with whom 
you have a monogamy agreement, and concealing this secondary 
relationship, or denying it if asked.

Reaching consensus about how the alternative of an open and honest 
relationship looks is quite a lot more complex, now isn't it? Each 
pair of people within a poly network of three more is likely to have 
a unique set of agreements about how much to reveal to each other, 
and try as they might not to, occasionally someone stretches the 
limits of an agreement, someone forgets a detail of what was agreed 
to, someone withholds something they agreed to reveal because they 
can't find the right time or the right way to speak about it without 
causing a ruckus, or someone really feels the need to make a change 
in the agreement and is frightened to initiate a conversation about 
that change.

So, how much do I want to say to my Partner A about Partner B and my 
relationship with him or her;  how much does  Partner A want to hear 
about Partner B. And what if Partner A wants to hear and I want to 
tell about me and partner B, but Partner B has made it clear to me 
that he or she feels I'm not respecting his or her privacy or 
confidentiality if I tell Partner A "too much" or certain things 
about about him/her or us.  Of course this is just my perspective, 
and those others may see it differently, and lengthy talks and 
written agreements notwithstanding, either one of them might have 
different ideas of just what we've severally and separately agreed 
to.....And this is just the edge of a simple network of three people. 
Stir in a few more lovers, and boom, it's a delightful web of 
interesting interactions, or potential minefield--maybe both.

What does this have to do with the fact that we polys eschew 
cheating? Perhaps nothing, or perhaps it's a reminder that with the 
best of intentions, many of us do and say things that feel like 
cheating to others in our circle of intimates.  Let the one among us 
who never pushed the boundaries of an agreement, or just plain broke 
it, who never betrayed the trust of a loved one, even 
unintentionally, cast the first stone.

Joani
Oakland, CA