[UUPoly-L] Not what you do, but why you do it.

["thomsenj@bellsouth.net" <Thomsenj@bellsouth.net>]

Ok, I have waited long enough about this swinger vs. poly review and who 
might have the moral high ground as if there was such a thing.    I teach 
Tantra Classes for Lifestyle Groups (swingers) Poly Groups, Nudists, and 
Naturists and yes there is a difference between the last two groups as one 
is social and the other solitary.

When man was in the hunter gathering stage of evolution, if someone unknown 
or different appeared at the edge of a village often the adrenalin fight or 
flight reponse was activated as more often than not, there were not coming 
for Sunday brunch but to attack, pillage, rape and destroy the village.

This survival genetic trait is alive and well today as people both fear and 
judge that which is not like them, from race, religion, looks, age, and yes 
sexual orientation and relationship format.    We want to feel we have the 
moral or right view because in our deepest place we are unsure so to numb 
this "not knowing" we search out those like us and spurn those unlike us to 
reinforce our own beliefs.

People outside a lifestyle place their own mental formations upon those 
inside that which is unlike them as they do to Poly, BDSM, and other 
lifestyle choices.   For example, people outside a BDSM lifestyle think it 
is about pain and humiliation and control when it is instead about playing 
with power.

Swinging used to be known in the 60's as wife swapping but today, it is not 
only female controlled but most clubs are owned or run by females.  Swingers 
Don't Cheat and Cheaters Don't Swing someone once said as a non fear based 
couple wishing their partner to experience all of their sexuality is a gift 
they give each other in honesty so why would they need to cheat.   I am not 
part of any lifestyle but my own, which contains a menu of pro loving and 
inclusive compassion, respect and co-creation with others and includes many 
aspects of several.   The trap some poly's can fall into is attachment to 
moral high ground (a slippery slope) over Lifestyle people because they do 
not know 60% to 70% of lifestyle couples only have sex with their partners 
at conventions and events.   They enjoy the erotic, play and watching others 
as they are watched and when they feel a connection they might enjoy play 
with another couple but mostly they enjoy their maleness and femaleness.  10 
to 20% of any lifestyle, naturist, poly, lifestyle, BDSM are indeed taking 
from another to please themselves and that is true in a bar, a marriage, or 
partnership.  One cannot presume to judge another by what they do, but why 
they do it, as intention and not behavior is the moral standard.  Killing is 
wrong by most belief systems yet one might kill a terrorist if they could 
save the school bus full of children from being bombed.

Polys have been wrongly viewed as hippy hang on's looking for free love by 
those outside the it, and same as swingers are judged as lust crazy sex 
addicts when nothing could be further from the truth.

The posts of the last week on this topic reveals attachment to view which 
misses the spiritual penetration that "there is always more than one right 
answer" and as a UU Director or RE for the Key West UU, we include all 
transgender, gay, poly, nudists, and even right wing conservatives to our 
table.   I base my comments on three years of research which you can see in 
the upcoming E-Book at www.smilingcloud.com/RGS.pdf which normally costs 
twenty dollars but I offer it to this group free because it talks as much 
about communication, spiritually, and other lifestyles as sex.  Alternative 
lifestyles start about page 180.

Remove the log from our own eyes is a good start, and when we find ourselves 
with attachment to view and judgment we can look deeply and find the cause 
of all violence in this genetic heritage of generations of evolution where 
our wisdom does not evolve as quickly as our technology.

Love is the only energy not diminished but increased the more you use it and 
give it away, and fear of another view or in this case, a sexual lifestyle 
is a weed that can choke off our garden of flowers and fruits we offer our 
partners, our families and our society.    Take a step back and remember 
because someone else has a right answer for their sexual needs does not mean 
you have to eat at the same restaurant and it does not mean your own answer 
is less right.

If truth was a giant redwood tree you might think the perspective of an ant 
climbing up it, and the bird flying above it and the man climbing it are 
different.  But in fact, it is not their "perspective" of that truth that is 
different, but their "experience" of it and each is valid.   The ugly and 
the beautiful is within each lifestyle as that is the nature of duality, but 
you can start by wondering how it is that others can enjoy what you find 
distasteful whether it be in work, what they eat, or how they enjoy their 
relationships and body.

Americans are judged by parts of the world that enjoys what is good for 
their culture and cannot understand why we might have a different path, 
different society and different values.  When man evolves to the point where 
we see first how we are the same and then marvel at the differences violence 
will begin to decline.  How boring would the world be with one kind of tree 
or fish, or landscape.     Be glad there are so many that are so different 
from you and not feel feed the fear of ancient man's survival gene.  Then 
perhaps by example, Poly and other lifestyles will not have to fight for 
their constitutional right in the pursuit of happiness but instead allow it 
to evolve as another channel on the cable TV of life.

In fact, at the last convention I taught at a Florida Poly Couple I had met 
while giving a talk at a Florida Poly Conference recognized me and came up 
and said "ya know what these lifestyle peole are?  They are poly's in 
training"    Interesting perspective I will leave to others to consider but 
look first to how one lifestyle is the same as another in core belief like 
"no one should dictate what goes on in my consensual bedroom or who I should 
love" and then see if one can see how their path was formed not by choice, 
but by traditional marriage and family restrictions that could enjoy more 
loving though the lifestyle then adding a triad to their neighborhood.  One 
might have compassion that they are seeking the same end place, but without 
the skills, opportunity, or courage that others have to form a more 
permanent union.