[UUPoly-L] My relationship continuum--an exercise in thought

["Brigitte Fires" <brigittefires@gmail.com>]

This triangle...

This is what I'm seeing (explanation below):

                         Polyamory


        Polyfidelity                   ?????


Monogamy              Open                Swinging


My rationale for placement of everything is thus:

Obviously with an eqiulateral triangle any point can be on top. I chose
polyamory because we're a poly group and that's what I ident as, and also
because I think putting monogamy on top would give the indication of it
being better. While I don't think polyamory is "better," (Ok I do but I'm
biased! :-p), moving the "accepted norm" of our current culture is the goal
here.

Before I continue let me say that all positions are assuming that all people
involved are fully informed and consensual individuals. I'm not including
rape and cheating, because those fall under categories that do not respect
boundries and do not occur in just one of these categories. That being
said...

So at the top is polyamory. Another thread is debating the definition for
this, but for the purposes of this illustration we will assume that this
position subsscribes to having multiple partners in romantic relationships,
regardless of whether sex is included in the relationship. We will assume
here that those in this position of the triangle are open to more partners,
and rules governing the relationships are decided on a individual
relationship basis (for example, A is dating B is dating C, A and B make
their rules, B and C make their rules which may be different from A/B's
rules, which means that B is governed by both sets and A and C only by their
respective rule sets).

On the left corner is Monogamy, the definition for which we are assuming two
people in a committed, loving relationship who do not seek out others for
sex or romantic interest. All relationships outside the primary one are
strictly as friends who, for example, would not be included in a consensus
regarding major life decisions.

Between the top and left corner is Polyfidelity. It has all the commitment
of monogamy, with more people. Generally speaking, for the purposes of this
illustration, we will assume that these people are not actively looking for
more partners; all partners involved have a say in life-altering decisions,
and decisions are made by whatever method an indivdual group agrees is best
(whether it be a dictatorship, democracy, or consensus is rather a moot
point toward this illustration). My experiences with polyfidelity have me
assuming here that ALL partners in the group are equally commited to all
others, and that rules are made as a group and apply to all equally.

On the right corner we have swinging. For the purposes of this illustration,
we will assume here that those in this position engage in sex with others
outside an otherwise monogamous relationship, without the requirement of
both parties being involved with someone(s). The purpose/result being a
group of friends with benefits, with whom there are no overlaping romantic
ties. Those in this position, we will assume, are not interested in (or
actively avoiding) romantic ties outside the primary relationship.

Between mongamy and swinging we have "open." I have placed it here, with the
distinction from swinging that at the end of the day, the monogamous
relationship is together. A la, we go to theclub, we have fun together, and
we go home together, whereas with swinging the parties may not see each
other till the next day. Again, this is for the purposes of the
illustration, and may not be entirely accurate in every group.

The difficulty lies for me in what to place between swinging and polyamory.
Worse yet, this is where I fall, because I am open to both romantic and
casually sexual relationships.

Moreover, the question becomes whether this is a model of "current
relationship structure," or "hardwiring." I suppose it could be used as
both.

And for the record, I am not suggesting necessarily that we/people should
start using this, it was more an exercise for me that I thought I would
post. Some distinctions may be a bitt off/weird/contradictory, please feel
free to (nicely!) point them out. As I said, it was more an exercise in
tought rather than a concrete example of... anything really. I discovered
thru writing it all, actually, that I almost feel like the following model
is a bit more accurate to the descriptions, and my thinking:


                          Polyfi

            Polyamory              ****

Swinging              Open              Monogamy


This model would illustrate the idea that polyamory is inclusive of both
love and sex, and indicate a desire for both, as well as a willingness to
engage in more casual sex while in search of further (i.e. more) life
partners or even simply aside from the search for life partner(s).  The ****
position I suppose would be something which perhaps allows intimate,
nonsexual relationships outside a primarily monogamous structure.

Suddenly, I got the Dixie Chicks "More Love" stuck in my head, in response
to the thought of poly=more/many, amory=love. I think that is an indication
I should go to sleep.

Please feel free to respond to this exercise with your thoughts, but please
also be nice about it! I'm not saying that disagreeing with me is "mean,"
I'm asking that no one imply I'm stupid for anything I have written heere
because it has been a very long time since I have let myself get this deeply
philosophical, generally out of fear, and I'd prefer not to discourage it
;-)

Brigitte