Re: [UUPoly-L] UUPoly-L Digest, Vol 27, Issue 16

["Christine Heinsohn" <kb4wyr@fhrd.net>]

K wrote:
:>)
:>)Having said that, My partner and I are only just moving into active poly
:>)work, she having found someone to spend time with recently, and me still
:>)hanging out at home mostly, feeling and experiencing this new set of
:>)emotions and looking for the ways forward in comfort.  We're actually
:>)doing well so far, I think.
:>)

Ah...I read in these word a desire for comfort with the process.  I can
relate.  When I began my journey into polyamory with my life partner, I was
perpetually uncomfortable.  The discomfort came from many sources.  Some
within me, some outside of me.  I had to learn to identify the sources of
the discomfort.  

Where the discomfort was inside of me, and sometimes that was very hard to
admit.  It meant I had to change something about me in order to achieve
comfort.  Again, I had to go on a learning quest to seek the sources of the
discomfort and find viable solutions.  I am a better person for it.

Where the discomfort was outside of me, and sometimes that was even harder
to admit.  It meant that I need to identify the source.  It's really easy to
attack you partner's OSO as the root of the problem as in my case, I don't
have to face them daily.  What's harder to do was to identify that my
partner was really behaving in ways that were causing the friction.  My
standard behavior is generally to try and determine someone else's
motivation for a behavior and then address the motivation and the behavior
with that person.  I have found this approach, probably learned through
trail and error in working with a dysfunctional birth family and an earlier
abuse situation  where determining someone's motivation was a way of keeping
me safe, id a faulty approach if one is trying to develop and healthy and
vibrant relationship.  I try now to identify the specific behavior and
address that with my partner.  This works much better.

There are those who will say that if a relationship isn't smooth sailing
then it's not working.  I don't believe that is the case.  Some of us have
more growing to do than others.  We need to be permitted the discomfort and
pain of that growing.  Not that we need to dwell in it, but adjusting ways
of thinking and changing behaviors and attitudes can take work.  

Could I be monogamous again? Yes, happily.  Would I give up the growth
process I have experienced as a result of embracing polyamory, No, never.

Christine