Re: [UUPoly-L] UUPoly-L Digest, Vol 27, Issue 22

Kathleen Reedy <icescience@yahoo.com> · Tue, 12 Dec 2006 19:19:58 -0000

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Subject: UUPoly-L Digest, Vol 27, Issue 22

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Today's Topics:

1. New England Polys (alan7388@comcast.net)
2. Ouch! Ok, that hurt! (K Morgan-Davie)
3. Re: Ouch! Ok, that hurt! (Brigitte Fires)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Message: 1
Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2006 19:06:10 +0000
From: alan7388@comcast.net
Subject: [UUPoly-L] New England Polys
To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
Message-ID:

<121120061906.29776.457DAC2200051EEA000074502200751150C8C8CCC9020E040E@c
omcast.net>

> ..."and particularly anyone who might be located in southern and
> mid-coastal Maine - poly's seem to be pretty rare up here. "
>
> try the mail group polynne; many of the people on that list are in or 
> near your area....

Also, if you ever get farther south, there's Family Tree in the Boston
area. We have monthly discussion groups that take place at people's
homes from south of Boston to southern New Hampshire. Usually 10 to 18
people show up. Ages tend to be middle-age and up, though there are some
young folks too. There's a significant UU component. See
http://ftree.contra.org/

Cheers,

Alan

------------------------------

Message: 2
Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2006 20:50:37 -0500
From: "K Morgan-Davie" 
Subject: [UUPoly-L] Ouch! Ok, that hurt!
To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
Message-ID:
<6e3f60570612111750w20af5cd3q2c34de12e0b1b3d9@mail.gmail.com>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1; format=flowed

> "*Ah...I read in these word a desire for comfort with the process. " 
> *Christine
>
>
>
> * " We can't all be affectionate and completely open with each
> other in public. The lists of potential stumbling blocks in any
> relationship are
> huge, in a poly relationship so much more so--"
> *
> Anne

Having just received notes of encouragement from Anne and Christine
(thank
you!) I'm just now in the middle of a serious "ouch" situation, and
since I've got you all here to listen...

My primary and I got invited by her OSO to a public event together (a
boat launching). I'd met (socially) her partner, but we hadn't yet
gotten together so that we could actually get to know each other a bit,
though we'd all agreed to do that, and had some plans in the works for
the near future. Anyway, said OSO heard from my partner that I was
interested in sailing boats, and since she works in a boat shop that's
just completed work on a replacement for the "Discovery" (one of the
Jamestown Colony ships from
1607) she invited both of us to come see the launching, tour her
handywork, maybe hang out a bit.. Oh, and her (the secondaries) mom is
also in town visiting, knows these two ladies have a relationship going,
but doesn't know my place in the mix... My partner and I talked about
all this before hand, how she was feeling uncomfortable because she
didn't feel she could just "be herself" with the OSO and I both there
AND the others mom looking on, but she'd already been out with the mom
and OSO before, and had been more demonstrative then, so wasn't mom
going to wonder just what gives...? But we agreed, the three of us (by
phone) that hugs in greeting were ok, but no other PDA's (Public Display
of Affection), and no comments that might make "mom" uncomfortable until
we all know each other a whloe lot better. Partner wasn't happy about
this, but was agreeable. And everything went along well, I actually had
a great time with the OSO, and mom, learned alot about wooden boats and
sail, found her charming and engaging and potentially (I think) a good
friend to have around. Then my partner mentioned that she'd like to hang
around with the mom and OSO for a while and let me go on home for the
evening... Wham! Felt like being hit in the gut with a hammer... I felt
like I was just in the way of her desire to move forward with this
relationship - my love for her, and our commitment, an inconvenience.
I'll admit I pretty much just ran for it - I didn't figure out half of
what I feel until an hour later, on the road. So I guess I'm knowing we
need a protocol for this - maybe like no changing the rules in the
middle of the game. We set out implicitly to go and come home together,
and I really feel like her sudden desire to stay behind was a out of
bounds. So, any comments from those more used to this love-style? Best -
K

------------------------------

Message: 3
Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2006 22:43:12 -0500
From: "Brigitte Fires" 

Subject: Re: [UUPoly-L] Ouch! Ok, that hurt!
To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
Message-ID:

Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1; format=flowed

I agree that changing the rules mid-inning, as it were, is to be
avoided. There are all sorts of caveats that would make her staying
behind despite an agreement to leave together acceptable, but all of the
caveats involve you stating, "I'll be fine with it if you want to stay,
but I'd like to go home."

There are worse breaches of conduct and trust that could have happened,
and in the realm of unacceptable actions this is low on the list. I
think telling your partner later--when you are both well-rested and able
to talk calmly (i.e. not in the middle of in argument over
anything)--that you realized after you left how much that hurt you would
be best. It's one thing to realize in the moment that you are agreeing
to something that you are not happy about it, it's another to agree and
then realize how strongly you feel about it.

"Honey I'm sorry, but I realized on the way home that changing our
arrangement really hurt my feelings. Next time, let's make sure we
discuss groundrules before hand and stick to them. And I'll be sure to
be honest if I have reservations about something."

Having been the partner in the middle of a similar situation, I must say
that I value honesty above all else. I'd rather be told in a quiet,
polite way that my partner would prefer to stick to our arrangement than
find out later that I have hurt someone by changing things. Especially
if the person was hurt by the suggestion to run along home and agreed
anyway.

Even if the mom thought you two were just friends, it's easy enough to
say, "I'd love to stay but I have a rule about leaving with the friends
I came with."

Brigitte

We set out implicitly to go and come
> home together, and I really feel like her sudden desire to stay behind

> was a out of bounds. So, any comments from those more used to this 
> love-style? Best - K
> _______________________________________________
>
>
300x2 MDR since 8/06

------------------------------

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End of UUPoly-L Digest, Vol 27, Issue 22
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