Re: [UUPoly-L] Ouch!

[Anne Newcombe <laffingwaterz@yahoo.com>]

--- uupoly-l-request@uupa.org wrote:

> From: "K Morgan-Davie" 
> Subject: [UUPoly-L] Ouch! Ok, that hurt!
> To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
> Message-ID:

> My partner and I talked about all this before hand,
> how she was feeling
> uncomfortable because she didn't feel she could just
> "be herself" with the
> OSO and I both there AND the others mom looking on,
> but she'd already been
> out with the mom and OSO before, and had been more
> demonstrative then, so
> wasn't mom going to wonder just what gives...?

Yup, been there--OSOs parents visited this summer, and
I'm sure they wondered more than a bit.

> But we agreed, the three of us (by phone) that hugs
> in greeting were ok, but
> no other PDA's (Public Display of Affection), and no
> comments that might
> make "mom" uncomfortable until we all know each
> other a whloe lot better.
> Partner wasn't happy about this, but was agreeable.

Good, coming to agreement ahead of time is good.  My
question to the group at this time is, "Does anyone
have any experience w/ PDAs (even though small) w/
OSOs in small communities?  More to the point, are
there any longterm triples and quads out there who can
_be_ themselves rather more openly in places other
than relatively anonymous (note I said relatively)
cities?  We are slowly integrating our relationship
into our UU Fellowship, and people are getting used to
seeing us together as a unit.


> And everything went along well, I actually had a
> great time with the OSO,
> and mom, learned alot about wooden boats and sail,
> found her charming and
> engaging and potentially (I think) a good friend to
> have around.

This sounds promising.

> Then my partner mentioned that she'd like to hang
> around with the mom and
> OSO for a while and let me go on home for the
> evening... Wham!
> Felt like being hit in the gut with a hammer...
> I felt like I was just in the way of her desire to
> move forward with this
> relationship - my love for her, and our commitment,
> an inconvenience.  I'll
> admit I pretty much just ran for it - I didn't
> figure out half of what I
> feel until an hour later, on the road.

I've had lots of instances with this (not the changing
the rules part, the delayed feelings emerging part). 
My OSOs have been simply amazing at setting and
following ground rules. Even though we stick to them
in the immediate timeframe, they sometimes need to be
renegotiated as little delayed emotion timebombs go
off.  As I mentioned at the outset in my first
missive, we've been trying to make this successful for
the best part of a year.  There have been lots of
tears, lots of (mostly) kind and honest communication,
and, the reason we're still doing this, lots of
laughter and love.  I am a different, and, I hope,
better person for having these two people in my life.

> So I guess I'm knowing we need a protocol for this -
> maybe like no changing
> the rules in the middle of the game.  We set out
> implicitly to go and come
> home together, and I really feel like her sudden
> desire to stay behind was
> a out of bounds.

It may be that she simply did not realize that it
could affect you that way.  I think Brigitte says it
best from here on out.  Hang in there, K.

Quiet joy this holiday season.
Anne

> ------------------------------
> 
> Message: 3
> Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2006 22:43:12 -0500
> From: "Brigitte Fires" <brigittefires@gmail.com>
> Subject: Re: [UUPoly-L] Ouch! Ok, that hurt!
> To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
> Message-ID:
> 
>
<f0ab8e240612111943h73944257te2769aec391be421@mail.gmail.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1;
> format=flowed
> 
> I agree that changing the rules mid-inning, as it
> were, is to be avoided.
> There are all sorts of caveats that would make her
> staying behind despite an
> agreement to leave together acceptable, but all of
> the caveats involve you
> stating, "I'll be fine with it if you want to stay,
> but I'd like to go
> home."
> 
> There are worse breaches of conduct and trust that
> could have happened, and
> in the realm of unacceptable actions this is low on
> the list. I think
> telling your partner later--when you are both
> well-rested and able to talk
> calmly (i.e. not in the middle of in argument over
> anything)--that you
> realized after you left how much that hurt you would
> be best. It's one thing
> to realize in the moment that you are agreeing to
> something that you are not
> happy about it, it's another to agree and then
> realize how strongly you feel
> about it.
> 
> "Honey I'm sorry, but I realized on the way home
> that changing our
> arrangement really hurt my feelings. Next time,
> let's make sure we discuss
> groundrules before hand and stick to them. And I'll
> be sure to be honest if
> I have reservations about something."
> 
> Having been the partner in the middle of a similar
> situation, I must say
> that I value honesty above all else. I'd rather be
> told in a quiet, polite
> way that my partner would prefer to stick to our
> arrangement than find out
> later that I have hurt someone by changing things.
> Especially if the person
> was hurt by the suggestion to run along home and
> agreed anyway.
> 
> Even if the mom thought you two were just friends,
> it's easy enough to say,
> "I'd love to stay but I have a rule about leaving
> with the friends I came
> with."
> 
> Brigitte



 
____________________________________________________________________________________
Cheap talk?
Check out Yahoo! Messenger's low PC-to-Phone call rates.
http://voice.yahoo.com