Re: [UUPoly-L] Early Poly Questions

["Christine Heinsohn" <kb4wyr@fhrd.net>]

I know there will be dissenting voices to follow but thought I would put
these thoughts forward.

Jealousy is not a bad emotion.  It may be uncomfortable, but it is not
inherently bad.  Jealousy is a wake up call to those feeling it.  It carries
the message, "Hey, wake up!  You really value the relationship much more
than you thought you did!  You would feel lost if it were not a part of your
life."  Hearing this message from the back of one's brain can be
disconcerting.  The response we are taught within our culture is to clutch
tightly that which we think we might lose.  But this response is not the
only response that can be chosen when the feeling of jealousy is present.

I find that the best approach for me when I recognize jealousy is to ask for
time to meditate in a protected arena.  Sometimes that arena has been me
lying in the arms of my husband, both of us just breathing deeply as I allow
the process of the emotion to flood by body.  This position helps me to
physically know he is close and desires that closeness.  It allows me the
safety of looking my potential loss squarely in the eye without panic.
Sometimes, the arena is sitting alone in our living room with candles lit
and chanting or instrumental music playing in the background.  In this space
I am surrounded by calming light and sound in the midst of our home.  It's a
good platform from which to launch my exploration of my jealousy.  Protected
space and time are needed for one to look into jealousy and examine its
roots and meanings.

She needs to look inward to find her answers to resolving jealousy issues.
She needs to let the emotion teach her about herself and her relationships.
She needs to examine the expectations she has that have lead her down a path
where she is seeing potential for loss.  She needs to examine the thoughts
she has about herself, sex, love and relationships that created the path to
jealousy.  She needs to decide for herself if she wants to hold onto the
expectations, if she wants to rearrange her perspectives on relationships.
She needs to choose responses to her jealousy.  That is so very easy to say
and so hard to do.  

Our responses to jealousy are so ingrained that we can unleash them before
we know that we were even experiencing jealousy.  We all have the ability to
choose our response to our emotions.  We may not be able to avoid the
emotions but we do have the ability to choose how we act from them.  When
things get tough for me and I am feeling hurt and angry, I repeat my mantra
of "Act out of Love, Act out of Love, Act out of Love".  This mantra has
served me well.  I have tried to internalize it so that it is used to guide
all emotional responses.  I think I may be up to 75%!

The worst response, as in a response that will intensify the jealousy and
promote shame, those around her can give when she is experiencing jealousy
is to tell her she has no grounds for the feeling.  Her feelings of jealousy
are motivated from her own experience and life.  Others in her world need to
acknowledge the legitimacy of her feeling, help her obtain the safety needed
for her to examine her basis for the emotion, let her know how much she is
loved, but do not legitimize jealousy responses that have the sole purpose
of causing others pain.

Christine Heinsohn
Cooking Blog:  Momsheart.livejournal.com
:>)-----Original Message-----
:>)From: uupoly-l-bounces+kb4wyr=fhrd.net@uupa.org [mailto:uupoly-l-
:>)bounces+kb4wyr=fhrd.net@uupa.org] On Behalf Of PT
:>)Sent: Thursday, December 14, 2006 11:23 AM
:>)To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
:>)Subject: [UUPoly-L] Early Poly Questions
:>)
:>)Need suggestions/advice from more experienced poly people...
:>)
:>)Girlfriend is experiencing feelings of jealousy...  mostly about her
:>)hubby and me.  Obviously, this has the potential to create a lot of
:>)problems for our 4-some, and we hate for her to be
:>)uncomfortable/unhappy.  I have never met a man who is so dedicated to
:>)his wife, so her jealousy drives me slightly crazy (why can't she just
:>)see what she has!!).
:>)
:>)I also get the impression that she is confused by her feelings for my
:>)husband (and maybe me too) and is feeling guilty about liking him so
:>)much.
:>)
:>)PT
:>)
:>)
:>)
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