Re: [UUPoly-L] UUPoly-L Digest, Vol 26, Issue 22

[bear@pagansexcult.org]

On Wed, 29 Nov 2006, Melissa wrote:

> Do any of you have relationships that are V in shape with the man as the
> focalpoint and the two women just being good friends?  That is kinda
> what's going on with us but I want more and don't think she is
> interested.  Any advice other than suffer in silence?  I've tried to get
> her to tell me what her boundries are but she isn't clear with me.  It
> makes me so sad.
> Melissa


Boundaries are difficult things.  Sometimes someone can't
express them, because they just don't know.  And sometimes
they have unresolved conflict between what the heart wants
and what the head is ready to accept, and sometimes they
see the situation differently than you.  Sometimes they
fear to be clear, because their boundaries are in conflict
with your desires. And, sad but true, some folk, like
myself, just aren't capable of having a physical attraction
to members of more than one gender.

Anyway, I don't know the people involved or your situation
in detail, but the advice I will offer you is more about
your own attitude than the other folk involved.  Don't
"suffer in silence."  Honesty about who you are and what
gives you joy and sorrow is fundamental and if you withhold
that you will drive yourself apart from your loves.

Try not to blame anyone for lack of clarity; clarity
is hard.  Give people space enough and safety enough to
express a boundary, even if it's a boundary that disappoints
you and quashes your hopes.  Don't lay down ultimatums or
deadlines unless you mean that *you* will be happier cutting
people out of your life forever than continuing to give them
time.  And if you are hurt, then go to those you love for
emotional support and solace, even if they're the ones whose
decisions or needs or lack-of-needs hurt you.

Love is hard.  Ego gets in the way.  Fear gets in the way.
Sometimes even anger and frustration gets in the way.  And
despite our best efforts, sometimes the worst that can
happen, the very impetus that gives us fear, does happen.
But don't let the same desire that moves your heart make
you hard-hearted toward your loves.  Don't let fear or
disappointment or ego or anger make you drive people away.
Because, for all that difficulty and danger, love is worth
it.

I wish you the best in your time of difficulty.  And as a
concrete suggestion, have you considered attaching a nice
valentine's day card to this year's gift?


                        Bear


Love is