Re: [UUPoly-L] On coming out Poly

[Anita Wagner <imapolygirl@yahoo.com>]

Laura Stewart <mathlaura@gmail.com> wrote: 
To me it seems that coming out poly is indeed more difficult that
coming out homosexual or bisexual. I think this is partially just
because poly is less far up the steep hill of societal acceptance.
   
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  Laura, here is my theory on this point - it's one I've been thinking about for a long time now and listening to others' stories like your own, as well as considering my own experiences as coming out poly and bi.
   
  Indeed, when I came out to some of my family and some of my friends as both at the same time, in several cases people were much more thrown by the poly part and much more accepting of the bi part.  I recall one particular friend who seemed to handle both OK in the moment, but from that point on every time I mentioned polyamory or my poly partner(s) in the course of a conversation, she invariably and hastily threw up a hand toward me in "talk to the hand" posture and said "I know that's what works for you but I could never have that kind of relationship."  She didn't speak with hostility, but her protests were so consistent that it was obvious to me that something about the idea of polyamory created fear in her.  Others have said and behaved similarly, and being an intuitive and empathetic person, I began to analyze and evaluate the emotions I sensed in others along these lines, which appeared to be quite consistent.
   
  My conclusion is that to a straight mono person, the idea of someone they know being bi or gay isn't particularly threatening because to their way of thinking their own partner is perceived to be unlikely to ever up and declare "honey, I think I'm gay."  OTOH, the person can certainly imagine that their partner could like the idea of polyamory if they thought it was an option.  Introducing polyamory into the monogamy equation changes the rules, and this feels very threatening to the mono married/partnered person.  
   
  It's along the same lines as what happens in older couples when a married man dies and his wife becomes a widow and as such much less welcome amongst all her married friends, since she is at that point viewed as someone now single and shopping for a husband.    
   
  The reaction of my friend described above is fairly mild compared to the reactions of others, which can be much more of a freak-out.  My sister behaved this way, and for many years anything about my poly life was forbidden as a topic of discussion.  Today it's a bit better, especially since she became divorced after finding out her husband was hanging out in gay chat rooms (snicker) - she now sees that what she thought were the rules everyone but a few depraved people followed are much more maleable.  Still, this didn't heal the huge chasm that lies between us because she is extremely uncomfortable with my lovestyle.  And today, now that she's single and lonely she wonders why we are not closer and why I'm not her best friend.  Argh.  At an appropriate time I'll tell her that she can't have it both ways, she needs to accept all of me and let me be my natural self around her - it's too much work and stress to hide what consistutes who I am.  This causes me to limit my
 contact with her - it just takes too much effort and is a major sacrifice helping her maintain her comfort level in this way.  
   
  FWIW,
Anita Wagner