Re: [UUPoly-L] old vs. new relationships?

["Laura Stewart" <mathlaura@gmail.com>]

On 2/1/07, Rebecca Geiger <geigerbecky29@gmail.com> wrote:
> I can't talk for long becuase I'm at work.  I just want to throw my
> 1/2  a cent in.  I am very new at Poly and was introduced to it in a
> way that made me a little scared.  I know that this is a very stupid
> and I think nnot related to the topic at all but here it goes.  How do
> you get comfortable around your family when you know by their actions
> and their words that they don't approve of the way you live?  This is
> for anyone that can give advice.  I'm coming close to giving up on
> what I am wanting just to make them happy.  Knowing that it's hard and
> I won't be happy.  Thanks for any advice you can give me.
> Becca

I think you just have to make the decision of whether you're living
your own life or living your life for someone else's expectations.
There's no magic words to make someone who is intolerant change their
tune.  Some individuals may disapprove but "love you" anyway.  Some
may disapprove but "love you" anyway but have rules of what you can
and can't do in front of them or in their home.

I don't speak to my parents at all.  They are fundamentalist Baptists.
They are aware of my bisexuality.  They told me that I could always
come to their house, but if I had a girlfriend or a boyfriend to whom
I was not married, I couldn't sleep in the same room with them.  That
(and a very large number of other reasons) led me to cut off all
contact with them.  I won't live my life that way.  I won't allow
myself to be treated differently in my chosen relationships than my
brother or sister would be treated with their legally wed spouses.
That is my choice; it may not be the choice for you.  I'm not exactly
out to them about beign poly, but they're not in my life, so it
doesn't matter to me.

My girlfriend is totally out to her parents.  They told her if she
visits they just don't want her to kiss girls in front of her.  She's
fine with that.  That is her choice.  They are not exactly OK with it,
but she chooses to live her own life, and she is comfortable with
their level of comfort and their level of interaction.

My boyfriend is totally out to his family.  It seems pretty clear to
me that his sister is uncomfortable with it, but she's always been
gracious to us in my experience, and I've never heard her actually say
anything derogatory about our choices in that regard.  His mother
is... odd.  I met her at Thanksgiving last year.  She utterly refused
to look at me or acknowledge my existence.  This didn't particularly
bother me, as I don't put any stock into the family one is born with
unless they happen to also be the chosen family.  My girlfriend
noticed and took the opportunity to talk about me nonstop as she sat
there and didn't look at me.  My boyfriend was extremely angry about
it.  His sister did send him an email indicating that she didn't
appreciate him being angry at their mother after he complained to the
sister about her behavior.  I'm certain that I don't expect his mother
at our wedding.  I'm wondering whether we shall see his sister there
or not.

(So, my personal experiences listed for reference of various ways that
families who are indeed not necessarily cool with it might behave.)

-Laura