Re: [UUPoly-L] old vs. new relationships?

Cynthia Armistead <cyn@technomom.com> · Fri, 02 Feb 2007 05:08:05 -0000

Brigitte Fires wrote:

'monogamy mind-set' expects/allows primary r'ships to be changed
'poly mind-set' doesn't.

So, I really have no idea what you mean by tha last statement

I also seem to be un-hip to what that last was supposed to mean. Poly
mindsets can allow for primary partners to change, and for those of us who
don't wait until we're married to be poly, there is no reason why changing
of primaries would not be an option.

It's late, so I probably shouldn't try to answer this now - but I have a 
feeling that if I don't get my "roundtuit" now, I won't ever :-)
I have a very strong primary relationship with Sam. Someone new coming 
in to our lives would certainly affect our relationship - to say that 
they wouldn't would be silly. We would have to find time to be with 
other people, but we're poly, and we are open to doing so - just as 
parents "find" time for new babies when they come into the family. 
Nobody ever questions that it will happen, because it has to!
Whether one does it with more or less grace - and more or less drama - 
is the sticking point. And finding not just more time, but more 
emotional and physical energy, more of every other kind of resource, is 
just something that one has to do. Resources get reallocated. It's the 
reality of our lives when anything changes the way things are balanced. 
It might happen because of changes in the workplace or a move or 
spending more time with a particular friend or having a new child or 
having children leave home or caring for elderly parents, but those 
changes are a normal part of life.
As poly people, we just accept that we'll accept the changes that come 
with new partners from time to time, too. We try to learn to do so as 
well as possible. Some of us develop good support networks and learn how 
to lean on them more when our primary partners have a new SO. Some folks 
never do.
Learning to find the "sweet spot" in terms of honoring current 
relationships while enjoying the magic of a new one is one of those Big 
Things in the poly toolkit. It may require writing notes to oneself or 
otherwise making a conscious attempt to REMEMBER to pay court to 
preexisting loves, but it's worthwhile, whatever you have to do. NRE 
causes severe, sudden onset ADD even in people who are otherwise 
completely focused and organized.
For me and Sam, NRE with someone else tends to spill over into our own 
relationship, which is a bonus.
As far as a poly vs. monogamy mindset, one of the reasons I don't worry 
about someone new coming into our lives is because I know I'm not going 
to be replaced. Someone else may become very important to Sam, 
certainly. There may come a day when he wants someone else to live with 
us and share our lives as another primary. I'll deal with that if and 
when it happens, but I certainly don't find the idea upsetting. In fact, 
I'd be quite happy to find another primary, myself. In fact, I had a 
"wife" with whom we lived for 18 months. But nobody will ever "replace" 
Sam, so he has no reason to be jealous or insecure. Nobody will be 
cutting either of us "out of the herd." In fact, that kind of mindset is 
one reason we aren't WITH the ex-wife any more.
I've seen that kind of thinking all too often, though, and it is reason 
for concern. There are people who get involved with polyamorous people 
who are already in committed relationships who SAY that they respect the 
current relationships, that they are poly, etc. and so on, when they 
actually have no interest in having multiple committed relationships. 
They've targeted a member of a couple/triad/quad/etc. and will only be 
around as long as it takes to lure him or her away from the poly family. 
 It's one reason we're reluctant to get involved with anyone who hasn't 
been poly for a while before meeting us. Acting as training wheels is 
right out.
Long-lasting poly relationships are possible. Sam and I were both 
involved with other people when we met. We met and started dating in 
1998, and we're still very much together in 2007. We've even got friends 
who are former SOs. It isn't all about drama!
Namaste,
Cyn

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