Re: [UUPoly-L] On coming out Poly

["Faith Always" <heryn@hotmail.com>]

  >>My conclusion is that to a straight mono person, the idea of someone
  they know being bi or gay isn't particularly threatening because to their
  way of thinking their own partner is perceived to be unlikely to ever up
  and declare "honey, I think I'm gay." <<

  Whoa! I have got to point out here that I have had a completely different
  experience..........Most people I know are very threatened by my being Bi,
  even when they know I have a partner. I got fired because ,coworkers
  "Wonder if you are getting turned on holding hands during morning prayer."
  These were straight women. ( BTW, ewwwwwwwwww and YUCK!)

  YMMV

  Kathryn

   

   When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you
  begin to discover that it's bottomless, that it doesn't have any
  resolution, that this heart is huge, vast, and limitless. You begin to
  discover how much warmth and gentleness is there, as well as how much
  space.
                        -Pema Chodron

   

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    From: Anita Wagner <imapolygirl@yahoo.com>
    Reply-To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
    To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
    Subject: Re: [UUPoly-L] On coming out Poly
    Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2007 09:25:02 -0800 (PST)
    Laura Stewart <mathlaura@gmail.com> wrote:
    To me it seems that coming out poly is indeed more difficult that
    coming out homosexual or bisexual. I think this is partially just
    because poly is less far up the steep hill of societal acceptance.

    ------------------------------------------------

    Laura, here is my theory on this point - it's one I've been thinking
    about for a long time now and listening to others' stories like your
    own, as well as considering my own experiences as coming out poly and
    bi.

    Indeed, when I came out to some of my family and some of my friends as
    both at the same time, in several cases people were much more thrown by
    the poly part and much more accepting of the bi part. I recall one
    particular friend who seemed to handle both OK in the moment, but from
    that point on every time I mentioned polyamory or my poly partner(s) in
    the course of a conversation, she invariably and hastily threw up a hand
    toward me in "talk to the hand" posture and said "I know that's what
    works for you but I could never have that kind of relationship." She
    didn't speak with hostility, but her protests were so consistent that it
    was obvious to me that something about the idea of polyamory created
    fear in her. Others have said and behaved similarly, and being an
    intuitive and empathetic person, I began to analyze and evaluate the
    emotions I sensed in others along these lines, which appeared to be
    quite consistent.

    My conclusion is that to a straight mono person, the idea of someone
    they know being bi or gay isn't particularly threatening because to
    their way of thinking their own partner is perceived to be unlikely to
    ever up and declare "honey, I think I'm gay." OTOH, the person can
    certainly imagine that their partner could like the idea of polyamory if
    they thought it was an option. Introducing polyamory into the monogamy
    equation changes the rules, and this feels very threatening to the mono
    married/partnered person.

    It's along the same lines as what happens in older couples when a
    married man dies and his wife becomes a widow and as such much less
    welcome amongst all her married friends, since she is at that point
    viewed as someone now single and shopping for a husband.

    The reaction of my friend described above is fairly mild compared to the
    reactions of others, which can be much more of a freak-out. My sister
    behaved this way, and for many years anything about my poly life was
    forbidden as a topic of discussion. Today it's a bit better, especially
    since she became divorced after finding out her husband was hanging out
    in gay chat rooms (snicker) - she now sees that what she thought were
    the rules everyone but a few depraved people followed are much more
    maleable. Still, this didn't heal the huge chasm that lies between us
    because she is extremely uncomfortable with my lovestyle. And today, now
    that she's single and lonely she wonders why we are not closer and why
    I'm not her best friend. Argh. At an appropriate time I'll tell her that
    she can't have it both ways, she needs to accept all of me and let me be
    my natural self around her - it's too much work and stress to hide what
    consistutes who I am. This causes me to limit my
    contact with her - it just takes too much effort and is a major
    sacrifice helping her maintain her comfort level in this way.

    FWIW,
    Anita Wagner
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