Re: [UUPoly-L] Making yourself become poly

[Greenearthal@aol.com]

Hi.  I'm Alex.  I'm a storyteller/author  from Buffalo, New York and I 
successfully became polyamorous. 
 
    I was a very successful monogamist.  Well,  insofar as I was very 
skilled at focusing all of my romantic energy on one woman to the 
exclusion of all others in a completely sincere way.  It was my  fondest 
hope that I would some day be rewarded for having that skill with a 
woman who could appreciate and reciprocate it.  
 
    I was an unsuccessful monogamist insofar as I just  couldn't seem
to find Mrs. Right.  As a developing adult my needs kept shifting and 
everytime I thought I had found someone to paint into my picture, I 
would undergo one of these shifts and need something different.   That's
all just circumstance.  Having met certain people at different times  or
having met different people at certain times I can safely say that I 
could have lived a very happy and fulfilling life as a successful 
monogamist.
 
    But that wasn't how it went.  
 
    After the death of my mother --and the subsequent  shattering of 
my universe-- I became a very bitter person, highly dissatisfied with 
humanity's ability --or more accurately lack thereof-- to relate to 
one another and care about one another.  I had all but given up 
on people and especially female people and then... I met Heather.
 
    I had the kind of instant connection with Heather  that I had always 
known in my gut was possible.  Her capacity to care about others 
is endless and all of the alarm bells went off and wouldn't be  silenced.
She had special knowledge of all kinds of things beyond my ken that
I was very eager to learn of.  She became the immediate focus of all 
of my romantic energy and I very much wanted for her to agree to 
marry me, start a family and fix the world with me.  She wouldn't  hear
of that though.  She wasn't into marriage, and besides, her other 
boyfriend wouldn't appreciate it.
 
    ??confuzzled??
 
    Other boyfriend?  How is that even  possible.  There's no such thing
as other boyfriend.  Oh, but there was.  Heather was a lot of  things 
that I had never heard of, very frightening things, but I could not 
extricate myself from her no matter how many of these frightening 
things she revealed.  She was a UU, a polyamorist, and still, 
nevertheless, the perfect woman for me. 
 
    I decided to become a UU.  That part was  easy.  Once described
to me, UU was quite obviously something I had always longed to be
and just didn't know of its existence.  Having learned of its  existence 
I quickly became UU and still am very UU (though she presently is 
not (they had a falling out)).  I figured that maybe, if I kept an  open 
mind for the things she was --UU and all that-- that she would keep 
an open mind about monogamy.  You know, could happen. 
 
    A very confusing year ensued with a relationship  that was half-poly
and half-monogamous and simultaneously extreemly difficult and 
impossibly easy.  And then we went to Opus.  Opus is a UU retreat 
for UU Young Adult that meets once a year in North America 
somewhere.  Opus is an amazing place (in whatever place it  happens
to be).  I was surrounded by shiny happy UU young adults who had 
the same level of concern for humanity that Heather and I shared.  
There were beautiful women everywhere.  And there were beautiful 
men everywhere.  And Heather liked some of each.  And I became 
an emotional jealous wreck, and at the same time, strangely 
fascinated by all of these beautiful young women and Heather's 
complete lack of jealousy irrespective of their level of interest in 
me.  
 
    I had a very slow burning epiphany.  If I  could "become poly" 
everything in life might gain a certain clarity.  I mean, WHAT IF, 
hypothetically, it's not Heather that's eventually supposed to 
change and become monogamous, what if it's me that's supposed
to become polyamorous?  There was a very beautiful young woman
with penetrating eyes that used to walk past me and rake her 
fingernails along my back and give me the most meaningful hugs. 
What if she wanted to love me AND Heather wanted to love me and 
they both were okay with it?  I tried to figure out what's so wrong 
with that.  I tried very hard.  I focussed a lot of concentration  and 
spent a good amount of time trying to remember why that would 
be wrong and I couldn't figure it out.  So I stored the idea away 
for further consideration.  
 
    A few months later there came the unfortunate day  that Heather 
and I had scheduled for breaking up.  She was going to move away 
and we had figured a break up made the most sense.  That would 
free me up to search for Mrs. Right.  So we gave it a shot.  We 
communicated to one another how deeply we loved one another, 
and how commited we were going to be to keeping up with one 
another's lives, and how sorry and torn we were that it had to 
end this way or end at all, and then we broke up.  And that lasted 
for about an hour.  
 
    Breaking up wasn't going to work for either of  us.  There did 
not seem like any good option or workable option, so, in desperation, 
I quickly divulged all of my Opus feelings and insisted that I could 
become polyamorous if I tried.  She was... highly skeptical. 
 
    There was no other option.  Continuing on as  half-poly and 
half-mono was not working for me.  Breaking up was not working  for
either of us.  It was something to try for lack of any other workable 
options.  
 
    I put in a lot of "work" becomming poly.  I  looked it up on the 
internet.  A lot.  I listened to a lot of other poly people and 
discovered there were other ways to do poly besides Heather's 
way, some of which actually appealed to me.  I began to pick 
and choose from the poly buffet out there and try to craft some 
way of being poly that would work for me.  As I absorbed all 
of the kooky terminology and incredible personal human stories 
out there my mind began to shift.  Where there had previously 
been one way of thinking, there gradually became two ways of
thinking.  And I could translate between the two with more and 
more ease as I practiced.  
 
    One day, it stopped being work.  Because I  fell for another 
woman.  I fell for her pretty hard.  She was very much like  Heather 
except that she was monogamous.  I found that I had these 
amazing powerful feelings for her, and at the same time, 
believe it or not, I didn't love Heather any less.  It was AMAZING. 
All that was left was to convert the new woman to polyamory 
and we could all be set. 
 
    Yeah.  Didn't work out quite that way.   The new woman had 
would we could call a "highly adverse reaction" to the very idea
of any of this.  There were some angry words and the like.  
She was very insistent that the solution was very simple, and 
that I should just switch back, and become monogamous 
again and have my happily every after.  So I tried to find a 
reason why I couldn't do that.  And I came up with a reason. 
Surprised me.  But the reason was, because I'm polyamorous. 
 
    Have been ever since.  
 
    Thanks for listening,
    -Alex