Re: [UUPoly-L] old vs. new relationships?

["Laura Stewart" <mathlaura@gmail.com>]

On 2/2/07, Fehd, Ronald J. (CDC/CCHIS/NCPHI) <rjf2@cdc.gov> wrote:
> > From: "Laura Stewart"
> >
> > On 2/1/07, Fehd, Ronald J. (CDC/CCHIS/NCPHI) <rjf2@cdc.gov> wrote:
> > > I have always held the opinion that we all suffer from what I call
> > > 'monogamy mind-set'.
> > > What I mean by that phrase is that we are taught and learn a
> > > langauge/vocabulary of duality in discussing and having r'ships.
> >
> > > Q: How do we integrate NRE and our Primary Partner?
> >
> > > * (re)assuring one's primary regularly and appropriately
> > >   about the strength of your connection
> > > * being clear with NewLoves
> > >   about one's self- and partner-commitments
> >
> > > 'monogamy mind-set' expects/allows primary r'ships
> > > to be changed
>
> i.e.: serial monogamy
>
> > > 'poly mind-set' doesn't.
> >
> > So, I really have no idea what you mean by the last statement,
>
> I agree with Anita's early post: which I'll reframe
>
> "Gay, lesbian, bisexual, whatever-queerness flips your bit,
> as long as you're looking for One-And-Only-One-at-a-Time
> [i.e.: my Monogamy Mind-set]
> I can handle your personal taste,
> because your attitude is not personally threatening.
> However, if you think everybody is Fair Game,
> [i.e.: my Poly Mind-set]
> then I have a Big Problem."
>
> I hope that is clearer.
>
> > > but I cut these all out to ask:
> >
> > You keep talking about "monogamy mindset", but you clearly
> > say "Primary Partner" and not "Primary Partner(s)" throughout
> > your diatribe.  You seem to be making this assumption that
> > there's a "one"
> > and then there's "others" or "secondaries" or whatever the
> > kids are calling them these days.  Do you see a disconnect here?
>
> I personally do not feel any disconnect saying that I (intend to)
> live, share time, money and most of my intimacy
> with just one person.
> fwiw: my primary is a 6-year LDR.
> my N-aries I see sporadically.
>
> For those wanting or raising families
> that may be one of the many poly options
> but, for this introvert, I'm fine w/one primary
> and however many secondary/tertiary/N-aries.

I don't have a problem with anyone's relationship style, including the
understanding of one primary relationship and all others as tertiary.
(I think that's the style of poly that's closest to monogamy, but
there's nothing wrong with it.)  I am just pointing out that I see a
disconnect between talking about the "monogamy mindset" while speaking
seemingly in general about poly people's primary partNER.  If you were
only speaking for yourself and not talking about a "poly mindset" in
general, then I don't see a contradiction.  It seemed to me that you
were assuming the default "poly mindset" involves one primary partner.
To me, that's the essence of what I would consider a monogamy
mindset.

-Laura