I just feel compelled to thank everyone on this list for helping me reason
through some very contradictory feelings associated with life experiences I
have had.
I am not a practicing poly, not a swinger, really a practical monogamist in
a legal marriage on my second try. But I want to do things differently this
go around. Five years into this marriage, I started feeling not so
satisfied with the status quo, not that I didn't feel loved-but I felt there
was something missing-something else I should be doing.
My first marriage ended when he jumped out of the closet (after 17 yrs) as
gay, pretty much rejecting me wholly as a partner in all ways, and it
devastated me sexually and emotionally. I wanted to try to contiunue the
relationship-even the marriage, but I needed to feel like I was wanted. I
found through counseling with him that while he wished me well, any future
physical sexual or metasexual relationship would not be happening from his
side. He fully intended to live fully in his second 40 years as the gay man
he always should have been. Despite the existing proof that he fought the
valiant fight (through fathering 3 kids with me) he no longer had it in him
to care about trying. So now we succesfully co-parent with some bitterness
on my part, someday I hope to forgive myself for being a blind idiot.
But in this current marriage, I just feel like there is much caring and love
I am missing out on, and recognize a growing affection, even crushes on men
and women I know and care about. But I fight it. And here is the
challenge. My current husband told me he is open to me exploring polyamory
on my own, as long as he was informed and involved the whole way. That is
all well and good, but I don't want every move I make scrutinized by him.
I'd like to think I can make some personal explorations without him standing
outside the door, so to speak. But so far I am not moving forward, as I
seem to be stuck in this spot-knowing that if so moved, I could without
facing recriminations. I almost don't believe him, and worry about messing
things up.
Have any long time practicing polys in this mailing list been where I am?
Thanks for allowing me to read and learn from you all.
I was a member at All Souls UU Shreveport when the whole mess with the ex
blew up. I fear my week after week of tearful-to-the-point-of-muteness
alientated me from the members. I don't think I articulated the process I
was going through very well. I no longer live near enough to attend, and
long for the welcoming embrace of the UU community still.
-bb
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