Re: [UUPoly-L] Story and a question

Cynthia Armistead <cyn@technomom.com> · Sun, 18 Feb 2007 04:54:34 -0000

blanketz wrote:

Well, that's close Laura.
I am not doing anything, just avoiding talking with him about it, until I'm
more ready to bring that back up; reading, trying to come to a better
understanding of how to do this right and keep everything up front. He only
mentioned it as an acceptable thing to him last October. And we'd talked
about it prior only as an option if both agreed.
So yeah, it seems like I don't want to inform him where my thought process
is.  Doesn't it. See how this turned into a struggle for me. Do crushes I
have need to be verbalized, how much do you reveal, especially in 99.9% of
the time people I am attracted to will not be possible partners. I just need
to work this out with him.

That's the kind of thing you need to work out with him - how much does 
he WANT to know? Understand that this is going to be a process, because 
he may THINK he wants to know everything, then find that he doesn't 
really want QUITE that much info - or he might like it. It all depends 
on it. You may feel uncomfortable at first, then find it bringing the 
two of you closer together. You just don't know 'til you start talking 
about it in more detail and doing something about it.
My partner and I have certain broad agreements as to the kind of people 
who are acceptable partners. Should one of us meet someone who falls 
into that category and find ourselves attracted, he mentions it.
In general daily interaction we really share things like, "I saw a 
really gorgeous gal today, I wish you could have seen her!" or "Look at 
this picture!" or "Ooo, I'm crushing on this person a little" or 
whatever - even when there's no chance of those things going anywhere. 
They're just ways of sharing pleasurable interactions. We don't HAVE to 
do it, we just do, because that's how we interact.
If I'd so much as hinted to one of my exes that I had noticed another 
man's eye color, he would have immediately assumed that I did so while 
we were entwined on a bed in a no-tell motel or some such, because he 
was just so damned jealous. (I didn't cheat, but he did.) So I know our 
normal repartee isn't for everyone - but for me and Sam, it's fun, and 
it adds to our lives together. Maybe because we're poly? I don't know. 
It can even add spice for us, and I know the same is true for some 
others, as well.
Every couple has to figure out their own comfort levels, though. If your 
husband says, "Okay, I don't want to know that much," take note and cut 
back a little. If he says he needs more information, talk to him more - 
about who you notice, your state of mind, how he feels when you're 
talking about this stuff, etc.
Communication. It's all good.
Good luck!
Cyn
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