Re: [UUPoly-L] Story and a question

[blanketz <honestly.martha@gmail.com>]

Dave,

I am sorry for your loss.  And I am sorry my b.s. has stirred that hurt up
for you.

But if I could just answer a few of the questions you brought up.  I don't
think my current marriage is missing caring and love, we share all the
normal intimacies and private affections that most marriages do, but it
seems to me that there is so much opportunity to share compassion and
love-and inasmuch, opportunitites are lost in not opening the capacity
within a relationship to share it.  That is more what I thought I was
saying.

I do love my husband, but I am not fooling myself to think that there is
this magical exclusive element of me only being able to love him and only
him. I don't feel like I am looking for a replacement for my current
husband, really an additional love.  Not that I want a focus on me-me-me,
but more that the we-we-we makes more sense.  Like with the 3 children;
having three kids as I did, I never felt that the second replaced the first,
or the third replaced the second, additions to the family added to the
capacity of shared love.  And that is what I believe that I want.

But what it boils down to, after talking with him this week is this:  He
wants another woman for sex play-to watch and maybe join in.  And this
somewhat cheapens my whole several months worth of thought, reading and
processing I have done.  I wasn't thinking of this in terms of just sex,
because sex isn't just sex-for me at this stage in the game. I wasn't
thinking toy-play, I was thinking human-relationship.

And I asked him what he needs to know if I start building a relationship,
what does he need to keep feeling safe and secure, and does he still even
want to go ahead knowing that I see it more as relationship building and not
just sex.  And I wondered aloud if bringing another man would be acceptable
to him. Knowing I have both male and female interests, I had to let him know
that.  And there is where the conversation switched to politics.  Don't ask
me how-it just went there.  I think he was uncomfortable.  So I am just
going to revisit this in a while with him and see what I can get him to talk
about.

So thanks for helping me see that the conversation needed to continue, more
outside my head, to make progress.

In your previous marriage (before the coming out), did you feel the same
feelings,
and fight them?  Oh yeah.

Is there still some unresolved injury from finding out that your ex worked
so damn hard to hide who he was so he could fit into society? Yes the
bitterness lingers though I fight to rid myself of it.

These two points especially.

Thanks for being so patient with this discussion.  You are all so generous
with your wisdom.
-bb

On 2/18/07, David Hall <airsafe1@comcast.net> wrote:
> Blanketz wrote:
>
> But in this current marriage, I just feel like there is much caring and
love
> I am missing out on, and recognize a growing affection, even crushes on
men
> and women I know and care about.  But I fight it.  And here is the
> challenge. My current husband told me he is open to me exploring polyamory
> on my own, as long as he was informed and involved the whole way. That is
> all well and good, but I don't want every move I make scrutinized by him.
>
>
> This part caused me to wonder WHY you feel your current marriage is
missing
> "much caring and love". What are you doing besides looking outside the
> marriage for replacements, if that is what you actually are doing. In your
> previous marriage (before the coming out), did you feel the same feelings,
> and fight them? Is there still some unresolved injury from finding out
that
> your ex worked so damn hard to hide who he was so he could fit into
society?
> You are not responsible for any of that, please do not accept any
> responsibility for his decision to hide, and love him for finally deciding
> to live his own life. I congratulate you on keeping good contact, and you
> were NOT a "blind idiot", he was well practiced at hiding before you met
> him.
>
> I am going to a memorial tomorrow for one of my loves, a beautiful woman
> who, thru 2 marriages and 2 kids pretended to be male when she knew inside
> she was female. She lost everything (wife who she loved, kids, job,
church,
> money) when she finally made her decision to be who she truly was. After
> many years she finally found the woman of her dreams and they were to be
> married in June. I wanted to perform the ceremony. She had a heart attack
> and died just after Christmas. I am pretty sensitive to this subject right
> now. Bless you for letting him go.
>
> As others have said, communication is the key, not about how much you
share,
> but how honest you are about how you feel and what you are doing. My wife
> and I went to a play tonight, and after we talked about how she wanted to
> take the leading man home with us, and I wanted to take most of the
females
> in the cast as well. We like each others' taste in people, and can laugh
and
> share about it. It might help if you both could learn to comment about
> feelings without having to do anything about them.
>
> Thanks for sharing with this list, and Bright Blessings as you work this
> out.
>
> Dave
>
>
>
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