Re: [UUPoly-L] old vs. new relationships?

["David Hall" <airsafe1@comcast.net>]

For me, the answer is NO to your question at the end. Newbe polys, without
any real experience balancing commitment and NRE, can fall into the trap.
I'm pretty much an old timer, but I fell deeply in love/lust with woman who
met my picture of the perfect poly partner, but months of NRE later, when
she moved in with my friend who said dating me was ok, it really wasn't and
shortly I was out of the picture. My long poly marriage kept me stable,
hurting but stable, and my poly friends helped me as well. People who fall
in love/lust/NRE very fast are the most at risk. I am now much more careful
when I use the L word, it was almost 2 years before I used it with my
current major secondary.

Read Spring Cascade's excellent paper on Commitment in Poly relationships
http://ejhs.org/volume8/cook1.htm

For me, to give up the possibility of real love to avoid a possible hurt
that will (always) heal is really self defeating. Been there, done that, got
over it.

Dave

-----Original Message-----
From: Nature's Son
Sent: Sunday, January 28, 2007 7:23 AM
To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
Subject: [UUPoly-L] old vs. new relationships?

I've often heard that, for most people, a fatal flaw of polyamory is that an
"old but comfortable relationship" with one's primary partner will almost
never have the natural energy and attraction (infatuation even) of a
rapidly-building new relationship, and that few uninvolved partners in such
situations are able to allow their compersion feelings towards their
involved partner overcome the fear of abandonment.  Even when the existing
long-term relationship is solid and dynamic, the fear of abandonment is real
because of the power of most new intimate relationships.  With such
relationships, every bit of shared personal information seems special to the
giver and receiver, and it all seems so intimate.  Excitement also is
brought on by the ambiguity of what path the new relationship may take, and
the whole discovery process.  Beneath all of this, physiological changes
(triggering of hormones, adrenaline, etc.) are unavoidably happening, and
seem more pleasantly intense than in a long-term relationship, partly
because they're concentrated over a shorter time period.



How do polyamorists handle this, successfully maintaining the original
primary relationship while not allowing periodic new ones to threaten that?
The first step seems to involve just acknowledging that new relationships
will almost inevitably have this power.  Then, it becomes a matter of not
letting oneself be overwhelmed by the fears of abandonment, and to have
faith that one's partner is also level-headed and mature enough to keep
things in perspective throughout the experience.  Easier said than done.
Obviously, it is essential during such times that the long-term partners
heighten their communication about feelings, redouble their efforts at
mutual reassurance of their continued importance to each other, and
encourage the "compersion" feelings.  Nonetheless, even when balanced
against the greater sense of predictability, security, and "deeper knowing"
inherent in most long term relationships, the emotional and physiological
power of a new relationship, and its potential ultimate consequence
(abandonment of the original partner), would seem impossible to counter in
the majority of cases, even for those who might beforehand have intended
otherwise.   Of course it depends on the specifics of each situation, and
there are no statistics, but as whole do the views of the poly-skeptics on
this seem generally true?



N.S.

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