Re: [UUPoly-L] old vs. new relationships? - A story of Betrayal

["Earth Father" <earthfather@cfnc.us>]

Keith's story is a painful one, and I don't know the people involved, but I
think there are some possibilities worth considering.

> -----Original Message-----
> From: K Morgan-Davie

> Though I haven't done so before, I just felt like I had to reply to this
> one, as someone who has just experienced (and is still recovering from) the
> ultimate failure of Poly - replacement.
>   I honestly believed we had done everything right.  She expressed the
> interest first, I shared it, we read and talked and studied and talked and
> shared, agreed finally that this was something we could do and were ready
> for, I even helped her meet her new SO (a lady this time) and then blessed
> their path - and within a few weeks she was gone, deep in an intense
> emotional storm of love for this woman, and with no regard for me, our
> history, our plans, our promises...

In my experience, I have never seen a good relationship come apart because of a
third person.  What I have seen is shaky relationships (which may not be
obvious to both partners) where one person professes an interest in becoming
polyamorous, but is really looking for a way out of the relationship.  There
are even times when this isn't entirely conscious, but the person just feels
this strong urge to make things different.

A foray into "polyamory" allows the person to try out another relationship
without abandoning the one they are in.  

In this situation, where it was just a matter of a few weeks before it became
obvious that the woman was abandoning her current relationship, it seems clear
that she already had "one foot out the door".

>   No, that infatuation, the newness, the thrill, it was too much, I couldn't
> compete, though I still felt all those things, and more, for her.  None of
> that mattered.
>   Trust?  Forget about it.  Promises?  They "didn't feel good" to her.  Our
> future?  "Well that was just words, we were just talking."  Could have
> fooled me!

Keith seems like a very reason-centered person, which may make it hard for him
to deal with people that act primarily from their feelings, and for whom words
carry little weight.  I've mad this same mistake myself, on more than one
occasion; I've learned to communicate to folks who are feelings-based in a very
different way.  And I've learned to take their words as primarily an expression
of how they are feeling right now, realizing that it could be entirely
different the next day.

>   At the age of 45 (and after a 20 year marriage to someone else which did
> unfortunately end) I have a pretty good idea what a promise means, so it was
> a shock to discover that not everyone views it the same way.  It's also true
> that this is the first time I've ever been betrayed or even dumped, and I
> had no idea what it feels like, how it rips you apart.

Part of the shock from this kind of experience can come not just from the
specific "betrayal", but from the challenge to our deeply held values, such as
what a promise means, or how much we can rely on what the other person says.
Our entire world-view can be shaken by an experience like this.

>   In spite of my belief that Poly should be possible and practical, and even
> wonderful, I don't expect I'll ever try it again, simply because I don't
> think I could ever trust that much again.  It's not worth the risk of the
> pain I just survived.

For me, facing this pain is what has led to my greatest growth experiences, and
to a place of much deeper peace and connection than I had ever been able to
experience before.  After a period of healing, it may be worthwhile to explore
these feelings further.

It is also possible that exploring relationships with people who already know
they are poly, and have experience with poly relationships, might be a very
different experience.  I don't really think of the situation here as having
much to do with polyamory.

Michael Rios

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