I've often heard that, for most people, a fatal flaw of polyamory is that
an
"old but comfortable relationship" with one's primary partner will almost
never have the natural energy and attraction (infatuation even) of a
rapidly-building new relationship, and that few uninvolved partners in
such
situations are able to allow their compersion feelings towards their
involved partner overcome the fear of abandonment. Even when the existing
long-term relationship is solid and dynamic, the fear of abandonment is
real
because of the power of most new intimate relationships. With such
relationships, every bit of shared personal information seems special to
the
giver and receiver, and it all seems so intimate. Excitement also is
brought on by the ambiguity of what path the new relationship may take,
and
the whole discovery process. Beneath all of this, physiological changes
(triggering of hormones, adrenaline, etc.) are unavoidably happening, and
seem more pleasantly intense than in a long-term relationship, partly
because they're concentrated over a shorter time period.
How do polyamorists handle this, successfully maintaining the original
primary relationship while not allowing periodic new ones to threaten
that?
The first step seems to involve just acknowledging that new relationships
will almost inevitably have this power. Then, it becomes a matter of not
letting oneself be overwhelmed by the fears of abandonment, and to have
faith that one's partner is also level-headed and mature enough to keep
things in perspective throughout the experience. Easier said than done.
Obviously, it is essential during such times that the long-term partners
heighten their communication about feelings, redouble their efforts at
mutual reassurance of their continued importance to each other, and
encourage the "compersion" feelings. Nonetheless, even when balanced
against the greater sense of predictability, security, and "deeper
knowing"
inherent in most long term relationships, the emotional and physiological
power of a new relationship, and its potential ultimate consequence
(abandonment of the original partner), would seem impossible to counter in
the majority of cases, even for those who might beforehand have intended
otherwise. Of course it depends on the specifics of each situation, and
there are no statistics, but as whole do the views of the poly-skeptics on
this seem generally true?
N.S.
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