Re: [UUPoly-L] old vs. new relationships? - A story of Betrayal

["Faith Always" <heryn@hotmail.com>]

  Dear Keith,

  I'm so sorry to hear the story of your painful experience. However, you
  did say you are still recovering, so please don't jump to conclusions
  about how you might feel when that process is complete. I feel that we
  create our experiences in many ways (not that her leaving was your fault)
  and to think that you will never want to try poly again will be a self
  -fulfilling prophecy. Also, just because this woman could not stand by her
  word, does not in any way reflect on anothers ability to stand by theirs.
  This comes from my own personal experiences, so YMMV, but most people do
  try to keep their word I believe. Perhaps, in her case, "expressing the
  interest" was a step toward exploring her need for a woman, and trying to
  ease gracefully out of her relationship with you? Not right, but some
  people do not know how to recognize their own feelings and express them
  honestly. Again, not necessarily an indication of anyone elses's ability
  to do so that you may meet in the future......
   I wish you well in your recovery.

                  

   

   When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you
  begin to discover that it's bottomless, that it doesn't have any
  resolution, that this heart is huge, vast, and limitless. You begin to
  discover how much warmth and gentleness is there, as well as how much
  space.
                        -Pema Chodron

   

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    From: "K Morgan-Davie" <kmorgandavie@gmail.com>
    Reply-To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
    To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
    Subject: [UUPoly-L] old vs. new relationships? - A story of Betrayal
    Date: Sun, 28 Jan 2007 15:54:59 -0500
    Hi folks,
    Though I haven't done so before, I just felt like I had to reply to this
    one, as someone who has just experienced (and is still recovering from)
    the
    ultimate failure of Poly - replacement.
    I honestly believed we had done everything right. She expressed the
    interest first, I shared it, we read and talked and studied and talked
    and
    shared, agreed finally that this was something we could do and were
    ready
    for, I even helped her meet her new SO (a lady this time) and then
    blessed
    their path - and within a few weeks she was gone, deep in an intense
    emotional storm of love for this woman, and with no regard for me, our
    history, our plans, our promises...
    No, that infatuation, the newness, the thrill, it was too much, I
    couldn't
    compete, though I still felt all those things, and more, for her. None
    of
    that mattered.
    Trust? Forget about it. Promises? They "didn't feel good" to her. Our
    future? "Well that was just words, we were just talking." Could have
    fooled me!
    At the age of 45 (and after a 20 year marriage to someone else which did
    unfortunately end) I have a pretty good idea what a promise means, so it
    was
    a shock to discover that not everyone views it the same way. It's also
    true
    that this is the first time I've ever been betrayed or even dumped, and
    I
    had no idea what it feels like, how it rips you apart.
    In spite of my belief that Poly should be possible and practical, and
    even
    wonderful, I don't expect I'll ever try it again, simply because I don't
    think I could ever trust that much again. It's not worth the risk of the
    pain I just survived.
    Thanks for listening - Keith

    On 1/28/07, Nature's Son <natureson7@comcast.net> wrote:
    >
    > How do polyamorists handle this, successfully maintaining the original
    > primary relationship while not allowing periodic new ones to threaten
    > that?
    > Even when balanced against the greater sense of predictability,
    security,
    > and "deeper knowing" inherent in most long term relationships, the
    emotional
    > and physiological
    > power of a new relationship, and its potential ultimate consequence
    > (abandonment of the original partner), would seem impossible to
    counter in
    > the majority of cases,
    > N.S.
    >
    >
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