Re: [UUPoly-L] Poly Not As Fun As Cheating

["Catherine Deville" <catdeville@cox.net>]

I don't get the term "honisty(sic)-infused cheating", but I agree that you
certainly can cheat in poly.  My definition of cheating is "anytime you
break your mutually agreed upon relationship agreements", so to me being
honest and honoring your agreements can never be "cheating". But, yes, the
cases you mention would be cheating to me.  In our relationship my 2nd
husband cheated by a) re-initiating a relationship with a destructive
individual who had been put off limits by group agreement and b) then
directly lying about the fact that he had done so. 

In his case he chose to cheat rather than to either attempt to renegotiate
our agreements or simply to admit to the fact that he was no longer willing
to live by them, either of which would have been honorable resolutions to
his (as Dave put it) " conflicting goals".  What he chose instead served him
(temporarily) but caused considerably more hurt when it imploded (which, in
my experience, it inevitably does.) In addition, his choice damaged his own
integrity, as well as doing serious and deep damage to my trust. 

So, no - I can't ever see cheating as "ethical" in any way. 

-----Original Message-----
From: uupoly-l-bounces+catdeville=cox.net@uupa.org
[mailto:uupoly-l-bounces+catdeville=cox.net@uupa.org] On Behalf Of Laura
Stewart
Sent: Monday, June 25, 2007 12:14 AM
To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
Subject: Re: [UUPoly-L] Poly Not As Fun As Cheating

While some forms of poly (or swinging) are rather like honisty-infused
cheating, other forms of poly are essentially different from cheating.
 It's also possible to be poly and a cheater.  Being in a closed
polyfi quad and sleeping with someone else or not telling whom you've
slept with in a poly relationship where the agreement is to tell or
sleeping with someone who was vetoed by your partner(s) in a
relationship where the agreement is that possible partners can be
vetoed, etc. is cheating.