Re: [UUPoly-L] Open Marriage--Polyamory

> People today typically view marital relationships as a vehicle to get > personal satisfaction, to experience personal growth, and to have > personal needs met. They are quick to blame "being with the wrong > partner" when problem periods occur, and they are quick to divorce
> if they feel their marriages are not providing the satisfaction and growth
> they expect.

This may be true for some; I don't know that it is a description of many,
and certainly not all.

The description above is a short summary of how individualism impacts marriage. It's always a challenge to express how individualism impacts marriage in a handful of sentences. The impact of individualism on marriage has been extensively discussed in several books and articles written by sociologists. I reccomend the following:

1. Amato, P.R., Booth, A., Johnson, D.R., Rogers, S.J. (2007). Alone Together: How marriage in America is changing. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
2. Cherlin, A.J. (1981). Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage: Social Trends in the United States. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
3. Cherlin, A.J. (2004). The Deinstitutionalization of American Marriage. Journal of Marriage and Family, 66, 848?861.
4. Coontz, S. (2005). Marriage, A History: From Obedience to Intimacy, or How Love Conquered Marriage. New York, NY: Viking Press.
5. Farrell, B.G. (1999). Family: The Making of an Idea, an Institution, and a Controversy in American Culture. Boulder, CO: Westview Press.
6. Giddens, A. (1991). The Transformation of Intimacy: Sexuality, Love & Eroticism in Modern Societies. Stanford: Stanford University Press.
7. Hackstaff, K.B. (1999). Marriage in a Culture of Divorce. Philadelphia, PA: Temple University Press.
8. Le Vitan, S.A., & Belous, R.S. (1981). What's Happening to the American Family? Baltimore, MD: The Johns Hopkins University Press.
9. Raschke, H.J. (1987). Divorce. In M.B. Sussman and S.K. Steinmetz (Eds.), Handbook of Marriage and the Family (pp. 597-624). New York, NY: Plenum Press.
10. Shumway, D.R. (2003). Modern Love: Romance, Intimacy, and the Marriage Crisis. New York, NY: New York University Press.
11. Swidler, A. (2001). Talk of Love: How Culture Matters. Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press. 12. Whitehead, B.D. (1997). The Divorce Culture. New York, NY: Alfred A. Knopf.
13. Barich, R.R., & Bielby, D.D. (1996). Rethinking Marriage: Change and Stability in Expectations, 1967-1994. Journal of Family Issues, 17, 139-169.

Surveys tend to back up the ideas in these articles and books. For example, the General Social Survey, a national survey of U.S. households conducted by the National Opinion Research Center, found that traditional reasons for getting married are seen as less important:
(1) 61% of people disagreed that "The main advantage of marriage
is that it gives financial security."
(2) 68% of people diagreed that "The main purpose of marriage these
days is to have children."
The General Social Survey also found that people generally reject the idea of staying in a marriage that doesn't satisfy or a marriage with problems:
(3) 88% of people disagreed with the statement "It is better to have
a bad marriage than no marriage at all."
(4) Only 31% of people disgreed with the statement "Divorce is usually
the best solution when a couple can't seem to work out their marriage problems."
These findings are consistent with the impact of individualism on views of marriage as described in the references mentioned above.

By coincidence, the Pew research foundation has just finished a survey showing that about 75 percent of Americans view the main purpose of marriage as "mutual happiness and fulfillment" rather than "bearing and raising of children." This is again consistent with the impact of individualism on views of marriage. A news story about the study can be found at: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070701/ap_on_re_us/marriage_survey;_ylt=Alrbji6KxQRB.KvRpdXPKvDMWM0F

Most of the divorces I have seen involve people that should have never married each other (or maybe anyone) at all.

Reasons for divorce also reflect increased individualism. Traditional reasons for divorce usually included cheating, physical abuse, drug or alcohol abuse, abandoment, financial failure, and failure to live up to the role of good husband or good wife. These reasons are still around today. But today you also see people getting divorced primarily because the marriage wasn't living up to their expectations of personal need satisfaction, personal fulfillment, and personal growth. They also get divorced because they feel unable to resolve the problems that arose in their marriage.

Ilene Wollcott reviewed research on why people divorce and wrote:

"Studies of the reasons for divorce often describe an erosion in the qualities of the relationship ? loss of affection, an absence of caring and communication, growing apart ? as common reasons for marriages breaking down (Gottman 1994; Wolcott 1984; Gigy and Kelly 1992; Sanders 1995, Wolcott and Hughes 1999)." (Wolcott, I. (1999). Strong families and satisfying marriages. Family Matters, 53, 21-30. Quote from page 23.)

In the age of individualism, people expect their marital relationships to provide affection, caring, good communication, and companionship. When their marriage stops offering these things, they often decide to get divorced. The full references cited by Wilcott are:
1. Gottman, J. (1994), What Predicts Divorce? The Relationship Between Marital Process and Marital Outcomes. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, New Jersey.
2. Gigy, L. & Kelly, J. (1992), Reasons for divorce: perspectives of divorcing men and women. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 18, 169-187.
3. Sanders, M. (1995), Healthy Families, Healthy Nation: Strategies for Promoting Family Mental Health in Australia. Australian Academic Press, Queensland.
4. Wolcott, I. (1984), From courtship to divorce: unrealised or unrealistic expectations. In Proceedings, Vol.111, Marital Adjustment and Breakdown, Australian Family Research Conference, November 1983, Australian Institute of Family Studies, Melbourne.
5. Wolcott, I. & Hughes, J. (1999). Towards Understanding the Reasons for Divorce. Working Paper 20, Australian Institute of Family Studies, Melbourne.

In a national survey conducted by Office of Survey Research at the University of Texas, the major reasons for divorce in order of most frequently cited were: lack of commitment (73%), too much conflict and arguing (56%), infidelity (55%), marrying too young (46%), unrealistic expectations (45%), lack of equality (44%), and inadequate preparation (41%). A survey of Oklahomans by OMI and Oklahoma State University used a very similar list of reasons for divorce and obtained similar results. Oklahomans identified the following as their top five major reasons for divorce: lack of commitment (85%), too much conflict and arguing (61%), infidelity (58%), marrying too young (43%), and little or no helpful premarital preparation (42%). These reasons for divorce suggest people have more unrealistic expectations of marriage and have less committment to staying in marriages when they enter problem periods (i.e., conflict and arguing). This is consistent with the way sociologists describe the impact of individualism on marriage. These studies also suggest people feel they do not have the skills needed to resolve their relationship problems.

Divorce is complex, and people who get divorced often cite multiple reasons for their break-ups. Some of these reasons have been around a long time. But other reasons appear to reflect the rise of more individualistic views about marriage. People today appear more willing to divorce because their marital relationships aren't living up to expectations of personal satisfaction and because they feel unprepared and unable to resolve marital problems.

What's missing from these perspectives is the glorification of longevity for
its own sake. I don't have any interest in "keeping my relationship
together." I have an interest in making each of my relationships as deep,
loving, caring, energizing, and growthful as possible, one day at a time.

Ending unhappy marriages is an important idea in individualistic views about marriage. Staying in unhappy marriages for the sake of children, or just to preserve the marriages, runs completely contrary to individualistic views about marriage. Divorce is not only viewed as the better option when a marriage becomes unhappy, it is viewed as almost a duty, since the individual must take responsibility for securing her or his own satisfaction, fulfillment, and growth in life. The theme of relationship longevity receives attention in the 13 books and articles I reccomended above.

Does our society preach and romanticize lifelong marital relationships? Yes. Does this encourage people to make lifelong marital relationships a priority? Yes. Is the preaching and romanticizing of lifelong marital relationships the only reason why people want them? I don't believe so.

We are social creatures. Our survival and quality of life depends on our having relationships with others. What if we were alone on desert island and developed a serious illness or suffered a serious injury. Without other people around us, our chances of survival drop. And while on this island we will have to grow or collect our own food, purify or collect purified water, make our own clothes, make our own shelter, make our own tools, and make everything else we need and use. We very probably would not enjoy the quality of life to which we are currently accustomed. Our need for social relationships starts the moment we leave the womb and doesn't end until we enter the grave.

Marital relationships are a legitimate, and very popular, way of securing a special relationship to meet our most important social needs. Marital relationships can provide support in times of need and can be important sources of satisfaction, fulfillment, and growth. They can improve our success at survival and our quality of life. And they do this in the context of special assurances of dedication, reliability, trust, concern, and love. People usually give their marital relationships priority over other relationships.

The familiarity of long relationships can have advantages in meeting social needs. The longer relationships last, the better the partners can become at providing each other support, at satisfying each other's needs, and at providing each other opportunities for fulfillment and growth. To invoke a cliche, "practice makes perfect." This is a relatively practical reason for wanting marital relationships to endure.

Marital relationships also require investments. Some investments you can get back if your relationship ends in divorce. For example, you can sell a house and split the money. But other kinds of resources you can never get back if the relationship ends. For example, you can never get back your youth, or the time spent with your partner. If you divorce at age 50, you cannot start over and re-enter the dating scene as if you were a 20 year old. You will never get back the decades you were married. The longer the marital relationship lasts, the greater the loss of these kinds of unrecoverable resources. This is another relatively practical reason why people want their marital relationships to endure.

Finally, most of us don't want to end up alone in our old age. Suppose you were a serial monogamist and started new relationships every 10 years or so. You may find it quite a bit easier and rewarding to start new relationships at 30 or 40 years old than at 60 or 70 years old. At 60 or 70 years old, partners become harder to find, and you become less attractive as a mate as you develop problems normally associated with aging. The frequent serial monogamist may find it harder to avoid ending up alone in old age than people who learn to make their relationships endure. This is yet another relatively practical reason to want marital relationships that endure.

Kelly

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