Re: [UUPoly-L] Marriage Vows

["Douglass Mitchell Modisett" <mmodis@3oaks.com>]

Dear uupoly
     Concerning Kelly Cookson's discussion of weddings and marriage vows, 
with whom I agree,  I only want to add that I think in the future a more 
meaningful service can be produced by having the couple construct their own 
vows.  They can still use the traditional vows, or they can add or subtract 
other vows as they see fit.  This would encourage each couple to discuss 
their own thoughts and feelings.  Perhaps each wedding anniversary could be 
celebrated by each couple privately reevaluating their vows.    Mitch
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Kelly Cookson" <kc62301@hotmail.com>
To: <uupoly-l@uupa.org>
Sent: Monday, July 02, 2007 10:21 AM
Subject: Re: [UUPoly-L] Poly Not As Fun As Cheating


> Everybody assumes the "marriage vows" included vows of monogamy.

You hit the nail on the head. Our culture traditionally teaches that sexual
monogamy is part of marriage. Our culture traditionally teaches that even
couples who are not married, if they are "serious," should be sexually
monogamous. The default assumption in this culture is: marriage means you're
supposed to be sexually monogamous. That's why everyone assumes marriage
includes sexual monogamy--regardless of what the vows actually say.

What I hate about the taken-for-granted assumption of sexual monogamy is
that it keeps people from talking about sexual non-monogamy before marriage.
People are afraid to ask about open marriage with their partners because
their partners might dump them. So they keep their desires for open marriage
a secret and get married. Then, they eventually meet someone with whom they
want to have extramarital sex. They don't want to bring up open marriage now
because they have even more to lose than before they were married. So the
temptation to cheat gets it foot in the door.

I feel it is much better for people to discuss sexual non-monogamy before
they get married. They may change their minds over the course of the
marriage, and they may come to disagree about it over the course of their
marriage, but at least they can talk about it openly.

:-)
Kelly

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