Re: [UUPoly-L] I'm new

["Kelly Cookson" <kc62301@hotmail.com>]

> >The internet has really changed the way
> > relationships and friendships can affect a person and yet
> > keep any secrets.
>
> The ability to keep secrets on the Internet is,
> unfortunately, an illusion.  If someone is determined to
> know who you are, or where you live, or what brand of
> toothpaste you buy, or where you hang out online, and is
> even a little bit knowledgeable about the resources
> available on the 'net, they WILL FIND OUT.

Bear is right. People are not nearly as good at keeping secrets as they 
think...at least not when it comes to hiding things from a close partner. A 
study by Blumstein and Schwartz, published in a book called "American 
Couples", found that when husbands and wives suspected their partners of 
extramarital relationships, their suspicions were correct 87-90 percent of 
the time. Unmarried couples who lived together had correct suspicions 75-80 
percent of the time. Even if you partner knows nothing about the Internet, 
there are so many cues in language, body language, habits, routines, and so 
forth that can give you away.

I would recommend the following to anyone who is tempted by sexual 
non-monogamy but does not want to give in to the temptation:

(1) Set ground rules with your partner. What is okay to do with other 
people? Is it okay  to flirt with someone else? What does flirting mean to 
each of you? Is it okay to talk graphically about sex with someone else? Is 
it okay to kiss someone else? Is cybersex okay? What kinds of situations and 
activities make each of you uncomfortable or jealous? Discuss and agree to a 
set of ground rules about what is and is not okay to do. Then stick to the 
rules. You can always change your rules as needed by mutual agreement.

(2) Make sure you maintain a secure emotional attachment with your 
monogamous partner. Let your partner help you when you need it. Helping a 
loved one makes us feel good and triggers our attachment system. Offer help 
and emotional support when your partner needs it. Again, helping a partner 
triggers our attachment system. Spend time doing things you both enjoy. You 
should engage in five fun experiences (e.g., carnival, movie, or romantic 
dinner) for every one negative experience (e.g., argument or fight). Doing 
something where you both have fun triggers our attachment system. Sit around 
and remind each other of past experiences you shared that were lots of fun. 
This too can trigger our attachment system. Finally, maintain a sex life 
that satisfies you both. Sex can trigger our attachment system.

(3) Don't let the intense, initial stages of bonding cause you to make bad 
decisions. When we meet someone new and feel we are falling in love, the 
same pathways involved in drug addiction become active in our brains. We 
begin to crave the new person like an addict craves drugs. The parts of the 
brain we use to form critical thoughts about other people are silenced. We 
literally overlook the bad things about the new partner. If you start 
feeling this way, realize it's a chemical trick your brain is playing on 
you. Force yourself to pay attention to the negative characteristics of the 
new person. Remember the intense desires you have now will eventually grow 
much weaker. Don't compare the new person to your monogamous partner--ever. 
It's never a fair comparison. You will certainly not feel the same way about 
the new person after several years familiarity and after you try to pay 
bills, manage a household, or raise kids with the person. Realize the grass 
is not greener on the other side of the fence.

(4) You will likely experience some conflict while resolving issues of 
sexual non-monogamy. Learn to deal with conflict in ways that don't hurt 
your relationship with your monogamous partner. Don't let negativity 
escalate when having an argument. Learn rules for fair fighting. Learn how 
to repair the damage conflict can cause to your relationship. I recommend a 
book called "Fighting For Your Marriage" for ideas on how to manage 
conflict.

(5) If nothing else works, stop seeing the person or people tempting you, 
and give it time. After awhile you will no longer be tempted by them. Will 
you have regrets? Well, you might always look back and ask "What if?" But 
whenever that happens, ask "What if I had a one-time fling with one of them 
and destroyed my marriage/relationship because of it? I made the decision I 
thought was best at the time."

:-)
Kelly

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