[UUPoly-L] UU ministers, open marriages and poly commitment ceremonies

[Anita Wagner <imapolygirl@yahoo.com>]

Speaking of what we polyfolk could need help with from our UU ministers and community, what is swimming around in my brain is the following question - though advocating for legal poly marriage is not part of the UUPA mission, might we not want UU ministers to perform commitment ceremonies for more than two?  It might be premature to ask for it, but I can surely see how their willingness to bless our unions, legal or no, would go a long way toward our acceptance and validation within the UU world.  This would also have the benefit of offering significant support and could well have the kind of stabilizing, grounding effect mono marriages benefit from by being performed in church community.  
   
  Is starting a discussion of whether UU ministers might conduct non-legally binding commitment ceremonies for more than two, just as surely many do for same-sex couples, too big a bite to bite off for UUPA at this point?  
   
  What about UU ministers performing legal marriages for two poly people who have an open relationship?  What if we want our vows to include the words "foresaking no others" instead of the traditional "foresaking all others", or some other language that affirms the nature of our commitment?   Is it reasonable to ask our ministers to minister to us in this fashion, or do we have to keep closeted and pretend to be monogamous?  
   
  One of the things Tim and I have felt concern about is, what if one of us wants to take one of our sweeties to church some Sunday when the other is unable to go?  What if we hold hands in church with our OSO when our SO isn't present?  Certainly many who so far only know us as a couple are going to at least wonder whether one of us is cheating on the other in front of them.  
   
  I'd feel an imperative under those circumstances to make it known that we individually give the other and their OSO our blessing.  I suppose we could all three go one time and make a grand show of all holding hands.  I realize other polyfolk are already able to do this in their UU churches.  Yet I know that our co-ministers have concerns about polyamory and I suspect that they are dreading the day that this issue comes home to roost in their church. 
   
  And you can see why we might be uncertain about the reception we might get when you consider that one Sunday last year during the sharing of joys and sorrows, one long-time female member shared as part of her concern that someone she considers a friend and is a church member had revealed to her that she is polyamorous.  This woman was clearly very disturbed by this simple knowledge and felt she needed support for dealing with it.  Probably without intending it, that incident created an air of unwelcomeness around the whole subject of polyamory.  
   
  I suppose if we hadn't been such new members ourselves at the time that we could have seen this as an opportunity to open a dialogue - it's going to happen one way or the other when the time is right, but you can see how such a declaration in joys and sorrows might make it a bit more daunting than it already might be.  Yes, we do know one or two other polys in our congregation who are not fully out to the church as poly.  .  
   
  Anita  


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Practical Polyamory - http://www.practicalpolyamory.com

Blogging on polyamory relationship skills, the polyamory community/movement, polyamory activism, and, even occasionally, on my own lovely poly life, at http://practicalpolyamory.blogspot.com