[UUPoly-L] An unspoken fear of rivals

["Kelly Cookson" <kc62301@hotmail.com>]

I think many people who hold traditional views about sexual monogamy 
experience a threat they do not usually express directly.

If you hold traditional views about sexual monogamy, then the quality and 
stability of your couple relationship depends on feeling secure from 
potential rivals. The threat is reduced if everyone plays by these rules:
(1) only have sex in the context of couple relationships, and
(2) never have sex with someone who is in a couple relationship with someone 
other than you.
People with traditional views about sexual monogamy vigorously defend these 
rules. They justify these rules in many ways--tradition, morality, practical 
value, mental health, and even physical health. They consider anyone who 
breaks these rules to be contemptable--liberal kooks, immoral, impractical, 
mentally unhealthy, spreaders of disease. They don't want the social 
acceptance of polyamory or open marriage because that means accepting people 
who don't play by the above rules. That reduces their sense of security from 
potential rivals.

Now, a UU congregation might have a number of people who hold traditional 
views about sexual monogamy. When we ask this congregation to accept 
polyamory and open marriage, we are (in their view) asking them to accept 
the presence of people who don't play by the traditional rules of sexual 
monogamy. This (to them) means letting potential rivals into their midst. 
They probably won't express this threat directly. They will probably express 
it indirectly by vigorously defending the rules mentioned above.

It might be useful to consider ways of explaining that accepting polyamory 
and open marriage does not mean accepting people who are going to hit on or 
compete for other people's partners. People into polyamory and open 
marriages are capable of respecting couples who want sexually monogamous 
relationships. People into polyamory and open marriage oppose cheating just 
as strongly as people into sexually monogamy. In short, the congregation may 
be a little more accepting if they hear talk about self-control and ethical 
guidelines that will protect sexually monogamous relationships from 
potential rivals.

Of course, church is a perfectly good place to meet and fall in love with 
someone. People into polyamory and open marriages should be allowed to date 
and marry within the congregation. But this can happen without poaching the 
mates of couples who are into sexual monogamy. It's that last point that 
needs to be convincingly explained to traditional congregations.

Just something to think about.

:-)
Kelly

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