[UUPoly-L] Identity Polytics.

["Kelly Cookson" <kc62301@hotmail.com>]

When is a polyamorist not a polyamorist?

I used to call myself a polyamorist. Now I don't. But I recently had a 
polyamorist tell me I fit the definition of a polyamorist whether or not I 
wanted to call myself one.

When someone labels me a polyamorist, the label associates me with other 
people who call themselves polyamorists and with ideas expressed in 
polyamorist literature.

Very different people with very different agendas call themselves 
polyamorists. I'm not sure I want to be associated with the in-your-face 
activist who wants to get rid of monogamous marriage or take away the legal 
status of marriage. I disagree with the approach. I disagree with the 
agenda.

I also disagree with ideas that often appear in polyamorist literature. For 
example, I disagree with the idea of unlimited love. Love to me means being 
available--offering my attention, my time, my energy, and my emotional 
support--when my loved ones need me. My attention, my time, my energy, and 
my ability to emotionally support others is limited. I can certainly love 
more than one adult. But the more adults I love, the less each of those 
adults gets of my attention, time, energy, and emotional support. Other 
ideas I have seen in polyamorist literature that I think are incorrect: 
jealousy is a result of socially learned ideas about monogamy; jealousy 
means you are insecure and possessive; monogamy is unnatural; sexual 
monogamy is rare in humans; monogamy is the product of christianity or 
capitalism.

Finally, the distinction between swinging and polyamory has never sat well 
with me. Some people agree with the distinction. Other's don't. It's like a 
religious faith in that you can argue about it all day long and no one will 
change their minds about it. I have both swinging-type and polyamorous-type 
extramarital encounters. Some of my extramarital encounters have involved 
one-night stands or casual play with no attachmemts. My other extramarital 
encounters have involved close friendships and loving relationships along 
with the sex. If I call myself a polyamorist, or if I call myself a swinger, 
the single label leaves out half of who I am.

So...

Am I a polyamorist because my lifestyle fits the definition of polyamory (at 
least sometimes), or am I not a polyamorist because I choose not to identify 
myself as such (for the reasons above)?

:-)
Kelly

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