Re: [UUPoly-L] Identity Polytics.

["Laura Stewart" <mathlaura@gmail.com>]

On 6/1/07, Kelly Cookson <kc62301@hotmail.com> wrote:
> When is a polyamorist not a polyamorist?
>
> I used to call myself a polyamorist. Now I don't. But I recently had a
> polyamorist tell me I fit the definition of a polyamorist whether or not I
> wanted to call myself one.
>
> When someone labels me a polyamorist, the label associates me with other
> people who call themselves polyamorists and with ideas expressed in
> polyamorist literature.
>
> Very different people with very different agendas call themselves
> polyamorists. I'm not sure I want to be associated with the in-your-face
> activist who wants to get rid of monogamous marriage or take away the legal
> status of marriage. I disagree with the approach. I disagree with the
> agenda.
>
> I also disagree with ideas that often appear in polyamorist literature. For
> example, I disagree with the idea of unlimited love. Love to me means being
> available--offering my attention, my time, my energy, and my emotional
> support--when my loved ones need me. My attention, my time, my energy, and
> my ability to emotionally support others is limited. I can certainly love
> more than one adult. But the more adults I love, the less each of those
> adults gets of my attention, time, energy, and emotional support. Other
> ideas I have seen in polyamorist literature that I think are incorrect:
> jealousy is a result of socially learned ideas about monogamy; jealousy
> means you are insecure and possessive; monogamy is unnatural; sexual
> monogamy is rare in humans; monogamy is the product of christianity or
> capitalism.
>
> Finally, the distinction between swinging and polyamory has never sat well
> with me. Some people agree with the distinction. Other's don't. It's like a
> religious faith in that you can argue about it all day long and no one will
> change their minds about it. I have both swinging-type and polyamorous-type
> extramarital encounters. Some of my extramarital encounters have involved
> one-night stands or casual play with no attachmemts. My other extramarital
> encounters have involved close friendships and loving relationships along
> with the sex. If I call myself a polyamorist, or if I call myself a swinger,
> the single label leaves out half of who I am.
>
> So...
>
> Am I a polyamorist because my lifestyle fits the definition of polyamory (at
> least sometimes), or am I not a polyamorist because I choose not to identify
> myself as such (for the reasons above)?
>
> :-)
> Kelly

I have friends who are in open relationships who are open to casual
sex or serious relationships, both as couples or separately, who
refuse to call themselves "polyamorous" because they don't like the
word or like you don't like the associations that other people have
put on the word.  I consider them, and I'm sure you, to be
polyamorous.  It is a descriptive term.  I will apply it descriptively
to anyone who is open to more than one "romantic" relationship at a
time.

If you don't like the word as applied to yourself, don't use it.  (I
don't argue repeatedly with my friends over their self-labeling and
try not to call them "poly" in their presence like I wouldn't call
someone "queer" even if they fit my definition thereof if they don't
like the term.)  However, it seems to me a waste of time to
circuitously describe a concept which is described concisely by a
now-largely-accepted single word because other people have decided
that they get to say "polyamory is exactly X, Y, and Z."

"Marriage" means lots of things to lots of people.  So does
"relationship", "monogamy", "love", and any slew of other vaguely
related words.  Plenty of people have written books and made strong
statements about exactly what marriage is, or exactly what love is.
Hell, we've had arguments on this very list with people saying that
they, as "original" users of the term "polyamory" get to say that
other people shouldn't use it to describe things that don't fit their
personal definitions of polyamory.  People can go around all day
saying that "Marriage is only a lifetime commitment between one man
and one woman" or "Polyamory is only complete openness to all sexual
and romantic relationships where the concept of jealousy is rejected"
or anything else.  The word is in common useage among non-poly people
without all those caveats.  (I think the common useage distinction
between poly and swinging is blurred, but that' rather seperate.)

So, in conclusion to my long drawn-out message, if you don't like it
then don't use it, but also don't believe that anyone gets to fully
own the term or tell you exactly what ideas you have to embrace to be
"polyamorous" or not.

-Laura