Re: [UUPoly-L] Identity Polytics.

["Laura Stewart" <mathlaura@gmail.com>]

On 6/2/07, Kelly Cookson <kc62301@hotmail.com> wrote:

> Thoughtful polyamorists like yourselves are careful. But non-poly folks may
> not share your insights and assume whatever they read about polyamory
> describes me. "Hey, isn't Kelly into that polyamory stuff? Check out this
> article on polyamory." And polyamorists can assume I share their beliefs
> because they consider me polyamorist. Here's an example: I was talking with
> a self-identified polyamorist about the concept of jealousy in the O'Neills'
> book, Open Marriage. I said the O'Neill's believe jealousy reflects
> insecurity and possessiveness we acquire from socially learned ideas about
> monogamy. He agreed. He was really suprised that I didn't agree. Jealousy
> appears in every known culture, and jealousy appears in infants as young as
> 6 months old. There's more to jealousy than social learning about monogamy.
> (Another story...) The point is, because he considered me a polyamorist, he
> assumed I would agree with ideas in books about polyamory such as Open
> Marriage.

I've encountered similar situations to this.  I suspect most people on
this list have as well.

I've had people assume that I have primary and secondary relationships
and ask which of my partners is my primary and be surprised when I say
that we are all primary to one another and that I "don't really do
secondary relationships".  I've had people correct me when I say I am
a polygamist wich "don't you mean polyamorist?" and be surprised when
I say "yes, but I also believe in multiple MARRIAGE, so I am also
polygamist".  I've had people be surprised that I'm into the idea of
marriage at all.  But most significantly, I've had people be surprised
that I don't do things the way they do or believe things the way they
do with different people with contradictory beliefs.  It's not that
there's a "standard" polyamory with variations.  It seems to be that
people have a tendency to believe that other people are the same as
them.  I'm sure the people who thought that I must have one "open
relationship" and the people who thought that I must not be into
marriage or any sort of committed quasi-ownership type relationship
would be quite surprised at each other.

-Laura