Re: [UUPoly-L] Identity Polytics.

[bear@pagansexcult.org]

On Sat, 2 Jun 2007, Kelly Cookson wrote:

> When is a polyamorist not a polyamorist?
>
> I used to call myself a polyamorist. Now I don't. But I recently had a
> polyamorist tell me I fit the definition of a polyamorist whether or not I
> wanted to call myself one.
>
> When someone labels me a polyamorist, the label associates me with other
> people who call themselves polyamorists and with ideas expressed in
> polyamorist literature.

Egh.  I think you get to decide whether or not you subscribe
to any "ism", and "polyamorist" certainly makes an "ism" of
the issue.

I use words like "polyamorous" to describe people who have
or are open to multiple simultaneous romantic relationships,
and words like "polyamorist" to describe those who have a
political agenda related to polyamory.

The first is a mere descriptive, about a person's
relationship style.  The second is an "ism", a political and
social philosophy with an agenda for changing society at
large.

I would call someone "polyamorous" even if they didn't
subscribe to the word, if I knew that they had multiple
significant others.   I would not call someone a
"polyamorist" unless they were selfconsciously taking part
in a social or political campaign to change the world on
behalf of polyamorous people.

When you opt out of the "movement" part of it, you abandon
the "polyamorist" label.  But you can go right on being a
polyamorous person without being a polyamorist.

> Very different people with very different agendas call themselves
> polyamorists.

Just having an "agenda" is what distinguishes "polyamorists"
from "polyamorous people" as far as I'm concerned.  But that
doesn't imply that all polyamorists have the *SAME* agenda.
And indeed, they don't.

> Finally, the distinction between swinging and polyamory has never sat well
> with me. Some people agree with the distinction. Other's
> don't.

FWIW, I'm one of the ones who don't.  As far as I'm
concerned, the fundamental distinction between relationships
is coercive (including dishonest) and noncoercive (implying
honesty). Monogamy appears to be the largest subgroup of
noncoercive relationships.  And polyamory, as far as I'm
concerned, is every noncoercive relationship that falls
outside that subgroup.  Including one-night stands, key
swap parties, orgies, and swinging.

                          Bear