Re: [UUPoly-L] Friends (Quakers), sexuality and polyamory...what would you say to this?
This is a great commentary.
But what happens when you feel you're now stuck in this, between these
worlds? Is "break up or go back to monogamy" truly your only options?
If so, this breaks my heart. This is my situation PRECISELY. And
I'm struggling hard to deal with how to work this, and it's breaking
my heart.
I love my partner. But during our 15 years together I've also fallen
in love with 3 other people. One has been my best friend for 13 years
and I'm still very much in love with her. The second was a hellacious
struggle to keep things nonsexual and it ended very badly (ironically,
now my best friend's girlfriend). The third is my current secondary;
we have a long-distance relationship.
In all cases my partner knew and was very upset about the situation.
After situation #2 up there, me and my partner came to an
understanding about "opening up" our relationship. I feel like I
could do it if my partner's heart was completely into it, but it
isn't. She's essentially non-monogamous.
Other studies have shown that about 30% of the population "cheats" on
their spouse. (quote from "The Power Dynamics of Cheating" from the
Journal of Bisexuality: "Numerous surveys have confirmed that cheating
rates run at a third to a quarter of the population. Specifically, in
The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior, 35% of married men and 26% of
married women surveyed admitted to having had extramarital sex. The
numbers were much higher for divorced men and women, 56% and 59%
respectively. (Samuel Janus and Cynthia Janus, 1993. pp. 195-198)"
This tells me that there are 30% of us who are potentially, if not
fundamentally, wired for polyamory. It's when we partner with someone
in the 70% who seems to be fundamentally (if perhaps serially)
monogamous that problems occur. In fact, I feel that if I did leave
my partner, that it would be easier on some level-- I could date and
couple with other polyamorous people exclusively. I could at least be
honest in saying that I can, and do, fall in love with more than one
person.
I know my partner would rather have me monogamous. I know that I love
her very much, and I love my secondary. In my perfect world my
partner would be absolutely fine with my weekend visits, perhaps have
a partner of her own (she has pursued someone else but nothing came of
it), and certainly her and my second could and would be friends.
I know this isn't going to happen now, no matter how much I try to be
honest, to work with her, love her, all that. To her my love is
impaired, defective. She's said as much-- "yes, you do love me *in
your own way*." She is willing to put up with this situation--
again, she's said "I accept this, but I do not *approve* of this."
I feel as if I need to make some serious decisions here. So again I
ask, are my only choices here to leave her or spend the rest of my
life falling in love with people I can't and shouldn't have? I don't
know the answer to this. It truly is breaking my heart.
Lisa Clayton
UUSM
On 6/6/07, Kelly Cookson <kc62301@hotmail.com> wrote:
>From the essay at Quakersong.org:
"Some couples believe that they can love each other whole-heartedly and also
support each others' sexual intimacy with others. Many Friends have seen
abundant evidence that faith communities blessing life-long same gender
unions bears spiritual fruit. I personally have not encountered evidence
that group marriage or open marriage in any of the above forms has any
spiritual benefit. On the contrary, I have seen significant evidence that
sexual intimacy outside of the marriage relationship undermines in a
fundamental way one's capacity to love one's life partner with all one's
heart."
I was generally put off the essay. Nevertheless, I see a kernal of truth in
the paragraph above.
What few studies are available suggest that the odds are stacked against
people who decide to try sexually open relationships. Sure, some sexually
open couples have satisfying relationships that last a lifetime. My spouse
and I have been sexually open the entire 23 years of our marriage; we are
happy and plan to stay sexually open the rest of our lives. But we also
consider ourselves a couple of oddballs. Although studies are too limited to
allow firm conclusions, the evidence so far suggests most couples who try
open marriage eventually return to monogamy or break up. They tend to
experience a bump up in staisfaction when they first open their
relationships. But the longer they try to maintain the open relationship,
the more likely they run into the problems sexual non-monogamy can create.
These problems can be very serious and threatening to the relationship.
Moreover, the effects of these problems can accumulate over time. Sexual
non-monogamy, over time, for many or most couples, erodes psychological
bonds and attachments. They start seeing costs of sexual non-monogamy as
outweighing the benefits of sexual non-monogamy. So they either quit being
sexually non-monogamous or they quit being a couple. (If anyone wants the
studies and sources that have led me to these views, I will be happy to give
details. I'm at work now and not close to my personal library.)
Would I recommend anyone try sexually open marriage? No. I could not in good
conscious recommend people try something when I honestly believe their
chances of success are poor. But people are going to try it anyway. I would
like to see more tolerance when people make this decision, even if it's not
the decision most would make.
I think--and this is pure opinion--two things are required to have a
sexually open relationship that remains satisfying and lasts a lifetime.
First, something in the core of your personality must yearn for a sexually
non-monogamous lifestyle. For me, that core personality characteristic is
bisexuality. I want the freedom to experience all aspects of my bisexual
orientation. I could not imagine living the rest of my life having sex with
just women or just men. I would rather deal with the problems and occasional
heartaches that come with a sexually non-monogamous lifestyles than not
express my bisexuality fully. For other people, it may be something other
than bisexuality. But if you're going into open marriage because you've
grown bored with your current partner, or you just want to experience the
thrill of it, or you've read a book and thought the ideas sounded
credible...good luck. You'll need it.
Second, you have to develop skills in maintaining emotional bonds and
psychological attachments. If you want your relationship to stay together
through the rough periods, you need to maintain: (a) your ability to have
fun together, (b) your sense of emotional closeness or intimacy, and (c)
your sense of having a secure attachment to each other. Many people fail to
maintain these aspects of their relationships. They either don't realize how
important they are, or they don't know what to do in order to maintain them.
If you think honesty and good communication is all you need...again, good
luck. You'll need it.
If I wanted to put my opnion into "spiritual" terms...and I'm going to
regret this, I know it...I'd say you better have a feeling that God has
destined you and created you to have a sexually non-monogamous lifestyle,
and thereby God has challenged you through the school of hard knocks to
become more skilled than most at developing and maintaining close
relationships. If you take these relationship skills and apply them to
helping people outside your marriage, then maybe sexually open marriage
could be part of a spiritual path.
--
Lisa K. Clayton
lisakc@mindspring.com
claytonl@peds.ucsf.edu
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