Re: [UUPoly-L] Friends (Quakers), sexuality and polyamory...what would you say to this?

[paul_chefurka@rogers.com]

Kelly, your post sparked a few random thoughts:

I worry that some people will use the results of studies showing a low probability of success to proscribe the activity - essentially to support the forcible norming that is one of the things we're trying to get past.

Whether or not non-monogamous relationships confer any "spiritual benefit" (and who gets to decide exactly what that is anyway?) simply having the freedom to choose the path you feel is most appropriate is itself spiritually beneficial, IMO.  Freedom is always more spiritually beneficial than constraint.

I've found that enforced monogamy can erode intimacy in two ways.  First you know there is a good probability that your partner will remain bound to you even if you don't pay enough attention to the minutiae of the relationship.So there can be a certain comfort level in diverting too much attention into non-relationship interests.  This is the argument that was raised in favour of non-sanctioned coupling (i.e. "shacking up") - you had to be more mindful in the relationship because it was only the internal bonds, not external ones, that would keep it together.  The other way that enforced monogamy can do in a relationship is if it's a round hole and one partner turns out to be a square peg.  This is what finally did in my 25 year marriage.  Intimacy collapses pretty fast when you start to feel your partner is forcing you to be untrue to one of your core beliefs.

On the other hand, non-monogamy can erode intimacy in a different way.  If a couple starts having problems relating that could be fixed by a little more work and care, one of them may see another partner as an escape valve, a means to keep getting the intimacy they need while avoiding the stress of fixing the difficulties.

I agree that it's not a lifestyle I'd recommend to the merely curious, though the line between simply speaking positively of it and recommending it seems pretty fine to me.  It's definitely one you should feel called to on some deep level, and if someone showed any evidence of this (beyond just "Cool, you get to have more threesomes!") I'd feel no hesitation in recommending it. The freedom to live your values is always worth recommending to someone who might need it, in my opinion.

It's definitely hard work, and probably requires going through a school of hard knocks to learn.  my current partners and I all have failed marriages that served as crucibles for our value systems and our abilities to express them.  It's also interesting that our current relationship sprang into being concurrently with a complete spiritual awakening on my part, one that I wrote about at http://www.paulchefurka.ca/Sprituality.html

Paul Chefurka

----- Original Message ----
From: Kelly Cookson <kc62301@hotmail.com>
To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
Sent: Wednesday, June 6, 2007 2:11:24 PM
Subject: Re: [UUPoly-L] Friends (Quakers), sexuality and polyamory...what would you say to this?


>From the essay at Quakersong.org:
"Some couples believe that they can love each other whole-heartedly and also 
support each othersʼ sexual intimacy with others. Many Friends have seen 
abundant evidence that faith communities blessing life-long same gender 
unions bears spiritual fruit. I personally have not encountered evidence 
that group marriage or open marriage in any of the above forms has any 
spiritual benefit. On the contrary, I have seen significant evidence that 
sexual intimacy outside of the marriage relationship undermines in a 
fundamental way oneʼs capacity to love oneʼs life partner with all oneʼs 
heart."

I was generally put off the essay. Nevertheless, I see a kernal of truth in 
the paragraph above.

What few studies are available suggest that the odds are stacked against 
people who decide to try sexually open relationships. Sure, some sexually 
open couples have satisfying relationships that last a lifetime. My spouse 
and I have been sexually open the entire 23 years of our marriage; we are 
happy and plan to stay sexually open the rest of our lives. But we also 
consider ourselves a couple of oddballs. Although studies are too limited to 
allow firm conclusions, the evidence so far suggests most couples who try 
open marriage eventually return to monogamy or break up. They tend to 
experience a bump up in staisfaction when they first open their 
relationships. But the longer they try to maintain the open relationship, 
the more likely they run into the problems sexual non-monogamy can create. 
These problems can be very serious and threatening to the relationship. 
Moreover, the effects of these problems can accumulate over time. Sexual 
non-monogamy, over time, for many or most couples, erodes psychological 
bonds and attachments. They start seeing costs of sexual non-monogamy as 
outweighing the benefits of sexual non-monogamy. So they either quit being 
sexually non-monogamous or they quit being a couple. (If anyone wants the 
studies and sources that have led me to these views, I will be happy to give 
details. I'm at work now and not close to my personal library.)

Would I recommend anyone try sexually open marriage? No. I could not in good 
conscious recommend people try something when I honestly believe their 
chances of success are poor. But people are going to try it anyway. I would 
like to see more tolerance when people make this decision, even if it's not 
the decision most would make.

I think--and this is pure opinion--two things are required to have a 
sexually open relationship that remains satisfying and lasts a lifetime.

First, something in the core of your personality must yearn for a sexually 
non-monogamous lifestyle. For me, that core personality characteristic is 
bisexuality. I want the freedom to experience all aspects of my bisexual 
orientation. I could not imagine living the rest of my life having sex with 
just women or just men. I would rather deal with the problems and occasional 
heartaches that come with a sexually non-monogamous lifestyles than not 
express my bisexuality fully. For other people, it may be something other 
than bisexuality. But if you're going into open marriage because you've 
grown bored with your current partner, or you just want to experience the 
thrill of it, or you've read a book and thought the ideas sounded 
credible...good luck. You'll need it.

Second, you have to develop skills in maintaining emotional bonds and 
psychological attachments. If you want your relationship to stay together 
through the rough periods, you need to maintain: (a) your ability to have 
fun together, (b) your sense of emotional closeness or intimacy, and (c) 
your sense of having a secure attachment to each other. Many people fail to 
maintain these aspects of their relationships. They either don't realize how 
important they are, or they don't know what to do in order to maintain them. 
If you think honesty and good communication is all you need...again, good 
luck. You'll need it.

If I wanted to put my opnion into "spiritual" terms...and I'm going to 
regret this, I know it...I'd say you better have a feeling that God has 
destined you and created you to have a sexually non-monogamous lifestyle, 
and thereby God has challenged you through the school of hard knocks to 
become more skilled than most at developing and maintaining close 
relationships. If you take these relationship skills and apply them to 
helping people outside your marriage, then maybe sexually open marriage 
could be part of a spiritual path.

My two cents.
Kelly

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