Re: [UUPoly-L] cheating other angle

["Earthfather" <Earthfather@cfnc.us>]

> -----Original Message-----
> From: Kelly Cookson

> 
> I prefer to identify myself as being in an open marriage (or open
> relationship) rather than being polyamorous.
> 
> One reason for this is some of my extramarital encounters are casual
> (which get labeled as swinging) 

The fact that you enjoy swinging does not alter the polyamorous nature of
your other connections, no more that if you also enjoyed bowling-- it's
simply not relevant.

> and some of my extramarital encounters are
> emotionally involved friendships (which get labeled as polyamory). I've
> been to swing clubs and enjoyed them. I've had serious relationships and
> enjoyed them. A lot of poly folks -- not all, but a lot -- don't consider 
> swinging and polyamory to be the same thing.  Some poly folks defend the 
> distinction quite strongly.

That is true, but they are seen as simply unrelated.  Most of those folks
would see bowling and polyamory as unrelated as well, and might well defend
the distinction quite strongly also, if it were challenged.  Simply because
you swing, or bowl, doesn't affect whether you may be practicing polyamory.

> The term open marriage includes both poly couples and
> swinging couples. So the term open marriage better fits the diversity of
> my experiences.

I would agree that it is *also* an accurate description for your situation.
 
> Another reason I prefer to identify myself as being in an open marriage
> rather than being poly is that I do not support the legalization of group
> marriage. I've talked about this extensively in prior posts and would
> rather not beat a dead horse. Please check the archive or write me 
> privately if you want to know why.

Your views on legalization of group marriage, or any other matter, don't
change whether your relationship pattern would be properly be referred to as

"polyamory".  One's political views have no relevance to whether one is
practicing polyamory or not.
 
> I think it's time to recognize that open marriage is not equivalent to
> polyamory.

You are, of course, free to use whatever term that you prefer.  I have a
child who is not willing to be identified by gender; that doesn't change
which organs are present on zir body, or how other people (or the law) would
catergorize zir.  But in all the contexts that I am familiar with, what you
are doing would be included in the term "polyamory".  "Open marriage" is one
kind of polyamory, because it is honest, responsible, and not monogamous.
Pure swinging is not necessarily a polyamorous activity, but the
"emotionally involved friendships" are certainly included in the term.  
Open marriage is not the equivalent of polyamory, because there are many
other kinds of polyamory as well.  But it is one of the forms that polyamory
can take.

The term "polyamory" is defined in many places, including the Oxford English
Dictionary.  All the definitions that I have seen would include open
marriage.

Here are a few definitions, and their sources:

Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English 
polyamory, n. -  participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual
relationships
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/polyamory

The general term used to describe all forms of multi-partner relating.
http://www.lovemore.com/faq.shtm#polyamory

(poly=many; amor=love) The practice, state or ability of having multiple
sexualove partners at the same time.
www.number-one-adult-sexual-health-terms-advisor.com/relationshipstyles.htm

Literally, "many loves". A generic term for non-monogamy, with a heavy
emphasis on honesty and responsibility. (2)
www.familysynergy.org/art-poly.html

The core concept of polyamory is being involved in or open to multiple
loving relationships, in a context of honesty and negotiation. The word
roots are poly = multiple, and amor = love (specifically the sexual/romantic
kind of love). Not in the roots but very important is the commitment to
honesty with all partners, and openly negotiated ground rules. The term was
coined in the early 90's by Morning Glory Zell.
www.openweave.org/NCPoly/PolyTerms.html

The nonpossessive, honest, responsible, and ethical philosophy and practice
of loving multiple people simultaneously.
http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0072986360/student_view0/chapter12/glo
ssary.html



All words mean only what we choose them to mean, of course-- but if we wish
to communicate with others, then using the commonly agreed-upon definitions
is, in my opinion, the most useful and functional approach.

Michael Rios

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