Re: [UUPoly-L] cheating other angle
The question with anything like this is: What will the term "open
marriage" mean to most people. If they have any familiarity with the term
at all, I don't think that "swinging" is likely to be associated with the
term.
I disagree for four reasons:
(1) Definitions of open marriage in popular dictionaries and encyclopedias
say open marriage is a couple that allows extramarital sexual relationships.
These definitions apply to both swinging couples and polyamorous couples.
(2) Many people use open marriage as a more general term that covers both
swinging couples and polyamorous couples.
(3) Swinging couples and polyamorous couples participate in the same online
communities under the banner of open marriage (which shows open marriage
includes both kinds of lifestyle in practice, not just on paper).
(4) The term open marriage was historically associated with swinging before
it was associated with polyamory. This association has continued to the
present day.
I give evidence for each point below for those interested.
:-)
Kelly
*********************
Evidence for point 1: Definitions of open marriage in popular dictionaries
and encyclopedias say open marriage is a couple that allows extramarital
sexual relationships. These definitions apply to both swinging couples and
polyamorous couples.
Here are the definitions of open marriage from three popular dictionaries
and two widely-used online encyclopedias:
Compact Oxford English Dictionary
http://www.askoxford.com/concise_oed/openmarriage?view=uk
"open marriage noun a marriage in which both partners agree that each may
have sexual relations with others."
Merriam-Webster Dictionary
http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?book=Dictionary&va=open+marriage
"Main Entry: open marriage Function: noun : a marriage in which the partners
agree to let each other have sexual partners outside the marriage "
The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition.
http://www.bartleby.com/61/10/O0091000.html
"open marriage NOUN: A marriage in which the partners agree that each is
free to engage in extramarital relationships."
Wikipedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_marriage
"Open marriage typically refers to a marriage in which the partners agree
that each is free to engage in extramarital sexual relationships, without
regarding this as sexual infidelity."
Encarta
http://encarta.msn.com/encnet/features/dictionary/DictionaryResults.aspx?refid=1861697209
"o·pen mar·riage (plural o·pen mar·riages) noun Definition: nonmonogamous
relationship: a marriage in which each partner agrees to allow the other to
engage in sexual relationships with other people"
The definitions use the terms "sexual relations," "sexual relationships,"
"sexual partners," and "extramarital relationships." The definitions don't
specify whether the sexual relationships are more like swinging (casual, no
attachments) or more like polyamory (emotional, attached). Since they don't
speify either, they can be applied to both.
Thus, if the definitions in popular dictionaries and encyclopedias are any
indication, most people think open marriage involves a couple that has
agreed to allow extramarital sexual relationships. This applies to swinging
and to polyamory.
*********************
Evidence for point 2: Many people use open marriage as a more general term
that covers both swinging couples and polyamorous couples.
Here are some examples from the Open Marriage group at Yahoo. The moderator
of the group has said:
"Some will tell you swinging is only about sex while poly is about unlimited
love that just happens to include non-monogamous sex. An open marriage can
be either of these or anything between them."
Another member expressed a similar view (but not as eloquently):
"swinging def: possibly from two to many friends partners gatting together
for a party or gathering . where sex is always an option but not a
requirement. mostly it is just an open sex party with no attachemnt or love
involved. just mindless sex. polyamorous falls into the taking in of another
lover or couple to be involved solely with you r life. enjoying loving and
being part of your whole existance" where feelings for the person or couple
are present. where open marriage is kind of the umbrella of alot of diffrent
lifestyles not just polyamorous."
In an unrelated thread, another member said:
"Open Marriage I believe is a wide continuum between outside relationships
being based on sex alone (other people are valued as only sexual play things
for your enjoyment) or love and intimacy... But our marriage is probably
best described as Polyamorous. It would still be considered an open
marriage..."
In 2005, Elaine Cook wrote an article entitled "Commitment in Polyamory",
which was published in the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Volume 8,
http://www.ejhs.org/volume8/cook1.htm. Although the article is about
polyamory, many of the studies she reviews are studies of swinging, which
she admits saying "this literature review includes articles pertaining to
other forms of nonmonogamy (such as swinging) as well." In order to talk
collectively about polyamorous relationships and swinging relationships, she
uses the terms "open" or "sexually open". The idea is that the terms "open"
or "sexually open" include swinging and polyamory.
Truth be told, if you search long enough on the Web, you will find people
use the terms open marriage, swinging, and polyamory in many different ways.
Some say open marriage means extramarital sex and can include both swinging
couples and polyamorous couples. Some say polyamory and open marriage are
about emotional commitment while swinging is about sex without attachments.
Some say open marriage and swinging involve couples while polyamory involves
groups. Some say open marriage, polyamory, and swinging are three entirely
different things. There is no standard use of these terms.
*********************
Evidence for point 3: Swinging couples and polyamorous couples participate
in the same online communities under the banner of open marriage (which
shows open marriage includes both kinds of lifestyle in practice, not just
in concept).
If you were to join the Open Marriage group at Yahoo, which has close to
12,000 members by the way, you would discover both swingers and polyamorous
couples in abundance. Some members recommend attending swing clubs as a way
to initiate an open marriage. Other couples recommend initiating open
marriages with close friends. A search of the messages showed 489 messages
with the words poly/polyamory/polyamorous in them and 1,291 messages with
the words swing/swinger/swinging in them. Both terms are frequently used.
What you have here is an online community where swingers and polyamorous
couples are rubbing elbows with no problem...all under the banner of open
marriage.
The group is at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/openmarriage3/
*********************
Evidence for point 4: The term open marriage was historically associated
with swinging before it was associated with polyamory. This association has
continued to the present day.
In their book "Open Marriage," the O'Neills defined an open marriage as a
marriage that did not isolate the couple from having individual social lives
or from activities promoting individual growth. They listed several
guidelines of open marriage. Sexual non-monogamy was not included in the
list of guidelines. A sexually monogamous couple could still have an open
marriage if they followed the guidelines of open marriage. A sexually
non-monogamous marriage could still be a closed marriage if they had
extramarital sex but did not follow the guidelines for open marriage.
However, the media got hold of the book and focused on the chapter that
would generate the most sensation--the chapter on sexual non-monogamy. This
sensationalistic and very biased media attention led the general public to
equate open marriage with sexually non-monogamous marriage. The O'Neills
were quite disappointed that the term "open marriage" became identified with
sexually non-monogamous marriage.
The O'Neill's book was written early in the 1970s. The 1970s was the era of
swinging, not of polyamory. The term polyamory didn't exist in the 1970s.
The language and ideas of polyamory hadn't yet been created. The hot thing
back in the 1970s was swinging. The term swingers had arrived by the 1970s
and many people had at least heard about swinging. So, when the general
public back in the 1970s thought about open marriage, they were thinking
about swinging, not about polyamory.
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