Re: [UUPoly-L] cheating other angle
Wow, Kelly, excellent report/answers about Open Marriage definitions.
IMO, seems to me that open marriage would be a more traditional, more exceptable term then, than using the newer word polyamory. That's what I'm beginning to think about, anyway.
Less understood words seem to "fighten" people, whereas if you can describe a relationship in more common words, it often seems more "normal".
So, do we need a uuom.org? (i.e, U-U Open Marriage Org?)
Dave of K.C.
-------------- Original message --------------
From: "Kelly Cookson" <kc62301@hotmail.com>
> >The question with anything like this is: What will the term "open
> >marriage" mean to most people. If they have any familiarity with the term
> >at all, I don't think that "swinging" is likely to be associated with the
> >term.
>
> I disagree for four reasons:
>
> (1) Definitions of open marriage in popular dictionaries and encyclopedias
> say open marriage is a couple that allows extramarital sexual relationships.
> These definitions apply to both swinging couples and polyamorous couples.
>
> (2) Many people use open marriage as a more general term that covers both
> swinging couples and polyamorous couples.
>
> (3) Swinging couples and polyamorous couples participate in the same online
> communities under the banner of open marriage (which shows open marriage
> includes both kinds of lifestyle in practice, not just on paper).
>
> (4) The term open marriage was historically associated with swinging before
> it was associated with polyamory. This association has continued to the
> present day.
>
> I give evidence for each point below for those interested.
>
> :-)
>
> Kelly
>
>
> *********************
> Evidence for point 1: Definitions of open marriage in popular dictionaries
> and encyclopedias say open marriage is a couple that allows extramarital
> sexual relationships. These definitions apply to both swinging couples and
> polyamorous couples.
>
> Here are the definitions of open marriage from three popular dictionaries
> and two widely-used online encyclopedias:
>
> Compact Oxford English Dictionary
> http://www.askoxford.com/concise_oed/openmarriage?view=uk
> "open marriage noun a marriage in which both partners agree that each may
> have sexual relations with others."
>
> Merriam-Webster Dictionary
> http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?book=Dictionary&va=open+marriage
> "Main Entry: open marriage Function: noun : a marriage in which the partners
> agree to let each other have sexual partners outside the marriage "
>
> The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition.
> http://www.bartleby.com/61/10/O0091000.html
> "open marriage NOUN: A marriage in which the partners agree that each is
> free to engage in extramarital relationships."
>
> Wikipedia
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_marriage
> "Open marriage typically refers to a marriage in which the partners agree
> that each is free to engage in extramarital sexual relationships, without
> regarding this as sexual infidelity."
>
> Encarta
> http://encarta.msn.com/encnet/features/dictionary/DictionaryResults.aspx?refid=1
> 861697209
> "o·pen mar·riage (plural o·pen mar·riages) noun Definition: nonmonogamous
> relationship: a marriage in which each partner agrees to allow the other to
> engage in sexual relationships with other people"
>
> The definitions use the terms "sexual relations," "sexual relationships,"
> "sexual partners," and "extramarital relationships." The definitions don't
> specify whether the sexual relationships are more like swinging (casual, no
> attachments) or more like polyamory (emotional, attached). Since they don't
> speify either, they can be applied to both.
>
> Thus, if the definitions in popular dictionaries and encyclopedias are any
> indication, most people think open marriage involves a couple that has
> agreed to allow extramarital sexual relationships. This applies to swinging
> and to polyamory.
>
>
> *********************
> Evidence for point 2: Many people use open marriage as a more general term
> that covers both swinging couples and polyamorous couples.
>
> Here are some examples from the Open Marriage group at Yahoo. The moderator
> of the group has said:
>
> "Some will tell you swinging is only about sex while poly is about unlimited
> love that just happens to include non-monogamous sex. An open marriage can
> be either of these or anything between them."
>
> Another member expressed a similar view (but not as eloquently):
>
> "swinging def: possibly from two to many friends partners gatting together
> for a party or gathering . where sex is always an option but not a
> requirement. mostly it is just an open sex party with no attachemnt or love
> involved. just mindless sex. polyamorous falls into the taking in of another
> lover or couple to be involved solely with you r life. enjoying loving and
> being part of your whole existance" where feelings for the person or couple
> are present. where open marriage is kind of the umbrella of alot of diffrent
> lifestyles not just polyamorous."
>
> In an unrelated thread, another member said:
>
> "Open Marriage I believe is a wide continuum between outside relationships
> being based on sex alone (other people are valued as only sexual play things
> for your enjoyment) or love and intimacy... But our marriage is probably
> best described as Polyamorous. It would still be considered an open
> marriage..."
>
> In 2005, Elaine Cook wrote an article entitled "Commitment in Polyamory",
> which was published in the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Volume 8,
> http://www.ejhs.org/volume8/cook1.htm. Although the article is about
> polyamory, many of the studies she reviews are studies of swinging, which
> she admits saying "this literature review includes articles pertaining to
> other forms of nonmonogamy (such as swinging) as well." In order to talk
> collectively about polyamorous relationships and swinging relationships, she
> uses the terms "open" or "sexually open". The idea is that the terms "open"
> or "sexually open" include swinging and polyamory.
>
> Truth be told, if you search long enough on the Web, you will find people
> use the terms open marriage, swinging, and polyamory in many different ways.
> Some say open marriage means extramarital sex and can include both swinging
> couples and polyamorous couples. Some say polyamory and open marriage are
> about emotional commitment while swinging is about sex without attachments.
> Some say open marriage and swinging involve couples while polyamory involves
> groups. Some say open marriage, polyamory, and swinging are three entirely
> different things. There is no standard use of these terms.
>
>
> *********************
> Evidence for point 3: Swinging couples and polyamorous couples participate
> in the same online communities under the banner of open marriage (which
> shows open marriage includes both kinds of lifestyle in practice, not just
> in concept).
>
> If you were to join the Open Marriage group at Yahoo, which has close to
> 12,000 members by the way, you would discover both swingers and polyamorous
> couples in abundance. Some members recommend attending swing clubs as a way
> to initiate an open marriage. Other couples recommend initiating open
> marriages with close friends. A search of the messages showed 489 messages
> with the words poly/polyamory/polyamorous in them and 1,291 messages with
> the words swing/swinger/swinging in them. Both terms are frequently used.
> What you have here is an online community where swingers and polyamorous
> couples are rubbing elbows with no problem...all under the banner of open
> marriage.
>
> The group is at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/openmarriage3/
>
>
> *********************
> Evidence for point 4: The term open marriage was historically associated
> with swinging before it was associated with polyamory. This association has
> continued to the present day.
>
> In their book "Open Marriage," the O'Neills defined an open marriage as a
> marriage that did not isolate the couple from having individual social lives
> or from activities promoting individual growth. They listed several
> guidelines of open marriage. Sexual non-monogamy was not included in the
> list of guidelines. A sexually monogamous couple could still have an open
> marriage if they followed the guidelines of open marriage. A sexually
> non-monogamous marriage could still be a closed marriage if they had
> extramarital sex but did not follow the guidelines for open marriage.
>
> However, the media got hold of the book and focused on the chapter that
> would generate the most sensation--the chapter on sexual non-monogamy. This
> sensationalistic and very biased media attention led the general public to
> equate open marriage with sexually non-monogamous marriage. The O'Neills
> were quite disappointed that the term "open marriage" became identified with
> sexually non-monogamous marriage.
>
> The O'Neill's book was written early in the 1970s. The 1970s was the era of
> swinging, not of polyamory. The term polyamory didn't exist in the 1970s.
> The language and ideas of polyamory hadn't yet been created. The hot thing
> back in the 1970s was swinging. The term swingers had arrived by the 1970s
> and many people had at least heard about swinging. So, when the general
> public back in the 1970s thought about open marriage, they were thinking
> about swinging, not about polyamory.
>
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