[UUPoly-L] D/s in church (was: Report from PNWD AGM)

["Desmond Ravenstone" <gentlemonster@lycos.com>]

   Let me wade back in on this ...

   I can see no logical reason to not tolerate and accept someone being

   visible about a 24/7 D/S relationship at church.

   I agree, there is no _logical_ reason, but there are plenty of emotional
   "reasons" why people may be intolerant towards anyone who is different.

   What is missing in this conversation, however, is that being in a D/s
   relationship, esp 24/7, is about much more than wearing a collar and
   referring to your partner as "Master/Mistress" (or, conversely, leading
   your partner on a leash and calling them "boy/girl" or some other term).

   Let me give a real-life example, "Kat" and "Brad" are a 24/7 D/s couple I
   know. They do not engage in public behavior which people would consider
   flagrantly BDSM. But the specific nature of their relationship does show
   in other ways. Kat refers to Brad as "sir"; when at a public fuction, she
   will fetch a drink whenever he gives a non-verbal signal. Brad directs
   where she will sit or walk, orders for her in restaurants, and sometimes
   "rewards" her actions with a small bit of candy in the mouth.

   Now imagine this couple in your UU congregation, and some of your fellow
   congregants wondering aloud: "What's with them?" Perhaps someone voices
   concern that Brad's controlling nature may be a sign of an abuser. (Kat,
   BTW, would laugh -- "I'm the one who handles all the finances, and that's
   often considered abusive. So am I abusing my sir?" -- her words.)

   Try to explain that this type of relationship is consensual and
   negotiated. Yes, one could say that all relationships are negotiated, but
   with BDSM and particularly D/s, the level is much more explicit and
   detailed than otherwise.

   Now imagine that Kat and Brad, having come to church for a while and made
   friends with many members, face a crisis of some kind which puts a strain
   on their relationship. Imagine them going to the minister, or a lay
   pastoral counselor, for guidance and support ... and having to explain
   their D/s relationship, much as you'd have to explain the specifics of
   your poly relationship structure. Or lighting a candle for a dear friend
   in the leather community, addressing that person by their unusual Scene
   name.

   BDSM is more than just what we do in the bedroom (or dungeon), or wearing
   collars or other obvious fetish attire. It is a way of expressing aspects
   of our emotionality, sexuality, sensuality, spirituality and relationality
   which is virtually impossible to separate from the rest of our selves. And
   because much of what we do and who we are is spiritual, many BDSM folk
   hunger for a spiritual home. Some of us have found it within UU
   congregations ... but others are dubious of how they would be received
   even in these notoriously "liberal" and "tolerant" enclaves.

   Desmond Ravenstone

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   http://www.lulu.com/gentlemonster
   http://www.myspace.com/desmond_ravenstone

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