[UUPoly-L] Appropriate behavior and affirmation of relationships

[Cynthia Armistead <cyn@technomom.com>]

Laura Stewart wrote:
> Before I even begin to respond in detail to your post, let me clarify
> what I am saying.  My point is this:
>
> I can see no logical reason to not tolerate and accept someone being
> visible about a 24/7 D/S relationship at church.
>
> You seem to be explaining why people are not visible with their 24/7
> D/S relationships.  This was not a topic that I was at all in
> ignorance about.  It is also 100% irrelevent to my point.
>
> If you have some point that contradicts or disagrees with my point,
> please let me know, and I will respond to it.  Otherwise it seems that
> we're talking about totally different things.

We have a fairly solid societal standard that says that sex should be a 
private thing. I happen to think that's good. I'm all for having it stay 
that way. It isn't shameful or dirty, just private.

That doesn't mean that relationships are private, but that we carry out 
the sexual parts of relationships that include sex in private. While we 
may well acknowledge in some way that we are involved in a sexualoving 
relationship with someone while in public, acting in an overtly sexual 
manner is rude.

Precisely what we do in private is and should remain the business of 
those who are present and involved during the act - or people who have 
agreed that they want to share that information and with whom those 
involved and present have agreed to share it. That's it. Not the 
government, unwilling bystanders, paparazzi, coworkers in surrounding 
cubicles, people near you when you're talking on your cell phone - 
NOBODY ELSE.

Whether or not someone has agreed to be your slave, or you her master or 
mistress, is to most people's thinking (and mine, honestly - and yes, I 
do have first-hand experience in that realm, so please don't assume that 
I'm ignorant about it or prejudiced against it) something that belongs 
in that private sexual space. It should stay there with information 
about preferred sexual positions, how vocal one is, predilections for 
voyeurism or exhibitionism, use of common kitchen implements in unique 
ways, intimate measurements, astounding statistics, and erotic 
fantasies/goals/achievements.

I'm a bisexual pagan homeschooler who has lived her entire life in 
Georgia and Alabama, near or with my extremely conservative Christian, 
very nosy, involved, sure-we-know-what's-best-for-everybody family of 
origin. I've never had a day in which I haven't had to think about what 
is and is not appropriate behavior and how things will look to the 
world. In over 20 years of practicing polyamory and being a custodial 
and non-custodial mother, stepmother, and even a step-grandmother at one 
time, with varying degrees of concern about custody* either in my own 
household or regarding SOs' children, the practice, I've come up with 
what has been a very good working guideline for what constitutes 
"appropriate behavior" between people who are in any kind of sexual 
relationship when in public (or in the presence of those not involved in 
their sex lives, such as children). If it wouldn't be okay to do it with 
the kids, don't do it in front of the kids or in public.

So cuddling and light kisses (like you'd give a child) and holding hands 
are fine. Groping and tonsil hockey are tacky.

I've yet to feel uncomfortable anywhere when following these guidelines, 
and the only times I've found anyone else uncomfortable when I and my 
partners have followed them, it was extremely obvious that it was due to 
pure bigotry. They certainly had to actual grounds for complaint, as our 
behavior couldn't be considered inappropriate. Our kids were put at 
ease, because we're a very affectionate family, and seeing us act this 
way with our friends was quite normal anyway.

What I'm saying is that you should be able to be with any adult partner 
in public and in a UU congregation and have that partnership affirmed - 
not just tolerated. Nobody needs to know the details of your 
partnership. It's none of their damned business. Don't force it on them 
- that would be an exercise of your exhibitionism. There are appropriate 
spaces for that, but most congregational events don't count.

*We must be doing something right, as we've come out on top in every 
run-in we've had with Dept. of Family & Children's Services, each of 
them based on false reports - and every time we've been completely 
honest about our lifestyles and beliefs. We've also been approved as 
respite foster parents in an extremely conservative county. Oh - and my 
life partner and I aren't married, and "living in sin" is another big 
strike against us down here.

Namaste,
Cyn
--
--
cyn@technomom.com
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"The only place you will be accepted is the place you make for 
yourself." Holly Lisle, Fire In The Mist, 1992