Re: [UUPoly-L] Poly definition

paul_chefurka@rogers.com · Thu, 17 May 2007 12:26:00 -0000

As others have said, polyamory is all in the mind.  It's a philosophy first, and a behaviour second.  I was poly for decades before circumstances and opportunity conspired to make it a reality in my life.  That said, the proof of the pudding is in the eating.  Your first genuine poly experience (i.e. being one of three or more people who fall in love and do something about it) will tell you a whole lot about the convergence of your thinking and your internal wiring.

My primary partner and I have been together for 8 years, and we started with the assumption that we were poly.  As in straight life, the right partner stubbornly refused to appear, so we were essentially "married" for the last four of those eight years.  That did not prevent us from "being" poly, though - it was the only way of being that seemed normal to us.  As an aside, for the first four of those eight years we were affair partners.  As the one who loved an exclusivist partner while also loving a poly-minded woman, I can state categorically that this solution sucks.  The honesty/consent part of poly is the key - without it any relationship, no matter how many people are involved, is doomed to failure.

We recently both fell in love with a wonderful, warm, wise Wiccan woman, and the three of us are getting married in a Pagan ceremony on the 30th of June, which coincidentally happens to be a Blue Moon.  Bliss, joy, and wonder abound.  But we're no more poly now than we were a year ago just for being able to realize our beliefs.

Paul

 http://www.paulchefurka.ca

----- Original Message ----
From: P O <wild_card@sbcglobal.net>
To: uupoly-l@uupa.org
Sent: Thursday, May 17, 2007 4:24:56 AM
Subject: [UUPoly-L] Poly definition

I have a question that's been bugging me for a while and I thought I'd ask it here to get people's thoughts on it.  How do you define 'polyamory'?

  I know there are a lot of definitions out there, and even an official one for the UUPA.  however, i've noticed something they all have in common, a focus on numbers.  Does poly actually require you to be involved in multiple relationships?  Is it possible to be single and poly?  Or even in a married dyad and poly?  I feel like it's asking if you aren't currently dating someone of the same gender are you still gay/ lesbian?  

  Anyway, just looking to try to get some feedback on this.  I've been doing a lot of thinking in preparation for the talk I'm giving on Sunday and this is one of the points that's come up a lot in my contemplation.  

  Thanks for any thoughts people care to share.

  Pat

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