Hi, Fellow Polys.
I appreciate all the policy and philosophy things that
are posted on this listserv, even though I may not
respond to them. It is interesting to see what all's
out there and what people are thinking.
Right now I need some personal support. My husband,
who for two years has said he's ok with my poly
relationships and who himself has a girlfriend (who
isn't me, obviously), decided about a month ago that
he wants a divorce. At first he said it was because I
am "controlling and oppressive." I know you don't
know me, so I won't leave that for you to judge,
though I certainly don't think of myself that way.
However, more recently spoke more of what I'm guessing
is the heart of his wanting out when he said of our
poly relationships: "I'm just not there, and I can't
accept it."
I am heartbroken. He just came up with this out of
the blue. Two months ago I started a new romantic
relationship though Hannah and I had been friends
prior to that for a couple of years), and I was (once
again) feeling weird and "fringey" and like I was
totally different from everyone else in the entire
world, and he was so supportive, saying "This is just
you! You should go for it! I see how much you like
her!" And now he's saying he's not "there." I am so
confused. So I feel like I could save my marriage by
denying this part of me and re-committing to a
relationship with him that isn't completely fulfilling
to me, or I can choose to get out of it and go my own
way and live my own life.
Sounds like an easy choice, right? Except that our
son is 3, and I can't imagine not seeing him every
day, not being there to hug and protect him and talk
to him every day. Plus I've been a stay-home mom for
two years now (husband was stay-home the first year),
so I'd have to re-enter the workforce and put my son
in full-time childcare. It is so icky. I feel so
misled, so betrayed, so violated.
Anyone had a similar experience? It seems like he was
ok until he, himself, started having another
relationship outside our marriage. I'm really
confused by that. I'm guessing his true nature is to
be monogamous, and seeing how it feels to have another
relationship to him means that there's no way I could
still love him, too. I've told him that's not true,
that I have infinite love to give. I don't think he
buys it. Plus I think his girlfriend is pressuring
him to get out of our relationship (I know she says
she wants a monogamous relationship even though she's
sneaking around to have a relationship with my
husband). He says he's not leaving me to be with her,
but I have my doubts. It is so complicated.
Thanks for reading. You can feel free to reply
offlist.
Penna
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