Re: [UUPoly-L] My husband is dumping me.

[william cerf <cerf541@msn.com>]

Here is another one of those sad stories abut people not really being clear about their intentions, needs and desires upfront. A lot of times, people really don't know what they need or want until they are in the middle of a very complicated relationship. I wish there were a way to avoid this kind of misery. I wish there were a way for people to know beforehand; but I'm afraid that life does not work that way very often. Any other thoughts?
 
Sadly,
William Cerf
Brooklyn, NY



> Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2007 10:56:46 -0800> From: pennamacdonald@yahoo.com> To: uupoly-l@uupa.org> Subject: [UUPoly-L] My husband is dumping me.> > Hi, Fellow Polys.> > I appreciate all the policy and philosophy things that> are posted on this listserv, even though I may not> respond to them. It is interesting to see what all's> out there and what people are thinking.> > Right now I need some personal support. My husband,> who for two years has said he's ok with my poly> relationships and who himself has a girlfriend (who> isn't me, obviously), decided about a month ago that> he wants a divorce. At first he said it was because I> am "controlling and oppressive." I know you don't> know me, so I won't leave that for you to judge,> though I certainly don't think of myself that way. > However, more recently spoke more of what I'm guessing> is the heart of his wanting out when he said of our> poly relationships: "I'm just not there, and I can't> accept it."> > I am heartbroken. He just came up with this out of> the blue. Two months ago I started a new romantic> relationship though Hannah and I had been friends> prior to that for a couple of years), and I was (once> again) feeling weird and "fringey" and like I was> totally different from everyone else in the entire> world, and he was so supportive, saying "This is just> you! You should go for it! I see how much you like> her!" And now he's saying he's not "there." I am so> confused. So I feel like I could save my marriage by> denying this part of me and re-committing to a> relationship with him that isn't completely fulfilling> to me, or I can choose to get out of it and go my own> way and live my own life.> > Sounds like an easy choice, right? Except that our> son is 3, and I can't imagine not seeing him every> day, not being there to hug and protect him and talk> to him every day. Plus I've been a stay-home mom for> two years now (husband was stay-home the first year),> so I'd have to re-enter the workforce and put my son> in full-time childcare. It is so icky. I feel so> misled, so betrayed, so violated.> > Anyone had a similar experience? It seems like he was> ok until he, himself, started having another> relationship outside our marriage. I'm really> confused by that. I'm guessing his true nature is to> be monogamous, and seeing how it feels to have another> relationship to him means that there's no way I could> still love him, too. I've told him that's not true,> that I have infinite love to give. I don't think he> buys it. Plus I think his girlfriend is pressuring> him to get out of our relationship (I know she says> she wants a monogamous relationship even though she's> sneaking around to have a relationship with my> husband). He says he's not leaving me to be with her,> but I have my doubts. It is so complicated.> > Thanks for reading. You can feel free to reply> offlist.> > Penna> > __________________________________________________> Do You Yahoo!?> Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around > http://mail.yahoo.com > > _______________________________________________> The UUPoly-L mailing list has public archives.> Please keep that in mind when deciding how much to reveal about yourself.> UUPoly-L mailing list> UUPoly-L@uupa.org> http://www.uupa.org/mailman/listinfo/uupoly-l