Re: [UUPoly-L] My husband is dumping me.

[Penna MacDonald <pennamacdonald@yahoo.com>]

Hi, Naomi and others who have posted,

My husband and I finally had a dinner out tonight.  It
was rough.  It is hard to be an appealing life partner
and fun date when I want to just bawl my eyes out.

He says he didn't know till the last few weeks that
this has been bothering him, but he says he's been
talking it over with friends for months.  We just
signed up for circle suppers at church a week before
he put this on me, so none of his time-line makes any
sense to me.  It is so frustrating!  I'm sure he must
feel confused, too.

I keep urging him to give it time and to try to muddle
through things.  He says he doesn't know where to
start.  My suggestion is counseling, but he's not too
keen on it.  I don't know if he feels embarrassed by
our choices or if he just sincerely doesn't think
counseling would work.  We've been to therapy before
together, and it went really well, so I'm not sure why
he wouldn't want to try it again.  Have any of you had
any experience finding poly-friendly counselors?  My
new therapist (my own--not with him) didn't even bat
an eye when I told her about being poly, and when I
told her it makes me feel really weird to look around
and see no one else like myself she said, "but you
know that's not true, right?"  So I told her about our
lovely listserv!

Even though I feel like he's been lying to me for a
couple of years (though I will give him a little
wiggle room that maybe he just wasn't sure what he was
getting himself into--as someone commented), I do
still love him and want to try to work things out both
for us and for our son.

I have to sleep now.  It was nice to get home to some
supportive emails, so thank you all so much for taking
the time to write back.  Happy Sunday!

Penna


--- Naomi Fine <naomi@premofine.com> wrote:

> Wow.  I rarely post, but this one moves me to put my
> two cents in.  
> No solutions, just...
> 
> I really feel for you.  My sympathies on this
> confusing, icky turn.  
> I hope you and your husband can talk really honestly
> together and 
> sort this out for the best outcome - AFOG (Another
> F.. Opportunity 
> for Growth), hopefully.
> 
> On 10 Nov 2007 at 10:56, Penna MacDonald wrote:
> 
> > I'm guessing his true nature is to
> > be monogamous, and seeing how it feels to have
> another
> > relationship to him means that there's no way I
> could
> > still love him, too.  
> 
> This sounds like a good guess, perceptive of you,
> I'm agreeing too, 
> I'll bet it's *part* of his picture.
> 
> > Plus I think his girlfriend is pressuring
> > him to get out of our relationship (I know she
> says
> > she wants a monogamous relationship even though
> she's
> > sneaking around to have a relationship with my
> > husband).  
> 
> Now THIS is one BIG Red Flag.  Any time a secondary
> really wants to 
> be monogomous is a red flag to start with; my
> husband and I pretty 
> much rule these people out.  Even worse, that she's
> cheating in order 
> to have the r'ship with him.
> 
> > He says he's not leaving me to be with her,
> > but I have my doubts.  It is so complicated.
> 
> It doesn't sound so complicated to me.  See above. 
> It sounds like he 
> found someone to be monogomous with (though someone
> who has been 
> known to cheat--with him--doesn't seem the best bet,
> to me), and is 
> going for it.  I'm not denying that your situation
> as a whole is 
> complicated, i'm sure it is, as most situations are
> multi-faceted.  
> It's just that this one aspect, like I said seems
> awfully clear.  I'm 
> sorry he got involved with the girl with the red
> flags.  I hope he 
> comes to his senses.  
> 
> I'm sorry this is so hard.
> 
> Sincerely,
>   - Naomi
> 
> 
> "Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so 
> complicated?"
>     From Zen Judaism: For You, a Little
> Enlightenment 
>     by David M. Bader  
> 
> 
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