Re: [UUPoly-L] My husband is dumping me.

"K Morgan-Davie" <kmorgandavie@gmail.com> · Sun, 11 Nov 2007 14:12:09 -0000

Penna, etc.

As a male who's been on the "Suddenly I just can't stand you anymore" side
of things (in a 19 year marriage, no less) I would like to comment really
quickly on one thing.  The other woman.
 "The grass is always greener" applies here, whether he believes it does or
not.  If his SO is making noises about "come to me, I'll love only you and
fulfill all your dreams" that's going to be VERY difficult to fight unless
he wants to.
 In my case, I had an "open affair" - I realized I was falling for this
woman, big time, and went to my wife before anything had really got started
and told her "I'm falling in love, and I'm going to have an affair.  Some
people feel I was very brave, and some feel I was incredibly cruel - take
your pick - but I wouldn't lie, and I wouldn't sneak - after 20 years
together, she deserved better than that.
 But I knew nothing of Poly then, my wife wouldn't have been interested (we
had the discussion over a year later) and more importantly, neither my love
nor I were mature enough to handle it anyway!
 I was absolutely convinced that this "shiny new lover" was going to make my
life complete.  I was finally going to get the happiness, support,
understanding and truly great sex my wife had never been able to provide.
 But it didn't work out that way.  Predictably, I didn't love myself, and so
nobody else could make me feel love like I wanted.  I left my wife and two
children, started a new life, and am very happy for those decisions - but
the new lover I thought would complete me was long gone 6 months after I
left my marriage.  I wasn't nearly as interesting once she'd "won me", and
it turned out I wasn't perfect - I was human, had some scary faults and
issues of my own, and suddenly when it became real life, it "didn't feel
good" to her. She's gone, off doing whatever it is she does, and I've been
through hell and a depression to arrive here, where I can honestly say "I
wish someone could have told me how that would go."
 But the truth is, several people, including my ex-wife and two therapists,
DID tell me it would end that way.  SNL's loose their shine about the time
that they really get to know you.  But I wouldn't believe it.
 So, that's my experience, from his point of view.  It may be hard to
convince him she's not going to "make all his dreams come true..."
 Blessings - Keith

On 11/11/07, Penna MacDonald <pennamacdonald@yahoo.com> wrote:
>
> Hi, Naomi and others who have posted,
>
> My husband and I finally had a dinner out tonight.  It
> was rough.  It is hard to be an appealing life partner
> and fun date when I want to just bawl my eyes out.
>
> He says he didn't know till the last few weeks that
> this has been bothering him, but he says he's been
> talking it over with friends for months.  We just
> signed up for circle suppers at church a week before
> he put this on me, so none of his time-line makes any
> sense to me.  It is so frustrating!  I'm sure he must
> feel confused, too.
>
> I keep urging him to give it time and to try to muddle
> through things.  He says he doesn't know where to
> start.  My suggestion is counseling, but he's not too
> keen on it.  I don't know if he feels embarrassed by
> our choices or if he just sincerely doesn't think
> counseling would work.  We've been to therapy before
> together, and it went really well, so I'm not sure why
> he wouldn't want to try it again.  Have any of you had
> any experience finding poly-friendly counselors?  My
> new therapist (my own--not with him) didn't even bat
> an eye when I told her about being poly, and when I
> told her it makes me feel really weird to look around
> and see no one else like myself she said, "but you
> know that's not true, right?"  So I told her about our
> lovely listserv!
>
> Even though I feel like he's been lying to me for a
> couple of years (though I will give him a little
> wiggle room that maybe he just wasn't sure what he was
> getting himself into--as someone commented), I do
> still love him and want to try to work things out both
> for us and for our son.
>
> I have to sleep now.  It was nice to get home to some
> supportive emails, so thank you all so much for taking
> the time to write back.  Happy Sunday!
>
> Penna
>
>
> --- Naomi Fine <naomi@premofine.com> wrote:
>
> > Wow.  I rarely post, but this one moves me to put my
> > two cents in.
> > No solutions, just...
> >
> > I really feel for you.  My sympathies on this
> > confusing, icky turn.
> > I hope you and your husband can talk really honestly
> > together and
> > sort this out for the best outcome - AFOG (Another
> > F.. Opportunity
> > for Growth), hopefully.
> >
> > On 10 Nov 2007 at 10:56, Penna MacDonald wrote:
> >
> > > I'm guessing his true nature is to
> > > be monogamous, and seeing how it feels to have
> > another
> > > relationship to him means that there's no way I
> > could
> > > still love him, too.
> >
> > This sounds like a good guess, perceptive of you,
> > I'm agreeing too,
> > I'll bet it's *part* of his picture.
> >
> > > Plus I think his girlfriend is pressuring
> > > him to get out of our relationship (I know she
> > says
> > > she wants a monogamous relationship even though
> > she's
> > > sneaking around to have a relationship with my
> > > husband).
> >
> > Now THIS is one BIG Red Flag.  Any time a secondary
> > really wants to
> > be monogomous is a red flag to start with; my
> > husband and I pretty
> > much rule these people out.  Even worse, that she's
> > cheating in order
> > to have the r'ship with him.
> >
> > > He says he's not leaving me to be with her,
> > > but I have my doubts.  It is so complicated.
> >
> > It doesn't sound so complicated to me.  See above.
> > It sounds like he
> > found someone to be monogomous with (though someone
> > who has been
> > known to cheat--with him--doesn't seem the best bet,
> > to me), and is
> > going for it.  I'm not denying that your situation
> > as a whole is
> > complicated, i'm sure it is, as most situations are
> > multi-faceted.
> > It's just that this one aspect, like I said seems
> > awfully clear.  I'm
> > sorry he got involved with the girl with the red
> > flags.  I hope he
> > comes to his senses.
> >
> > I'm sorry this is so hard.
> >
> > Sincerely,
> >   - Naomi
> >
> >
> > "Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so
> > complicated?"
> >     From Zen Judaism: For You, a Little
> > Enlightenment
> >     by David M. Bader
> >
> >
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>
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-- 
"Scarcity , or the appearance of scarcity, is the ultimate weapon. And so if
we are convinced that the supply of love is finite, we can be manipulated to
any means, because we will do anything for love.  We will even hate."