Re: [UUPoly-L] My husband is dumping me

[alan7388@comcast.net]

> Plus I think his girlfriend is pressuring
> him to get out of our relationship (I know she 
> says she wants a monogamous relationship

Betcha anything that's it right there.

> even though she's sneaking around to have 
> a relationship with my husband).

If she doesn't grasp the possibility of ethical polyamory for herself, she won't grasp the possibility for anyone else.

> He says he's not leaving me to be with her...

Um, wake up and smell the coffee?

> It is so complicated.

No it's not, it's simple. See above.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic; please don't take it that way. If you're asking for advice, I'd say the best thing would be to convince him to give it TIME. To go slow.

Let him be with her. Maybe agree that you won't look for other relationships for, say, 6 months or a year, to give this whole thing time to settle out. A constantly-repeated piece poly wisdom is that NRE makes people nuts, and making big decisions in the midst of NRE is a poly-101 mistake. Time often brings clarity.

Ask to get to know her. Meet up, do things together, just you and her. How she reacts to this idea may be revealing. And bring your three-year-old every time, even if he screams in restaurants, so it'll get into her skull that there's a child in his package deal.

The kid is the most important person in this whole thing. His interests come first. I'd guess his best interests are in you two staying together. That means you giving Husband everything he wants, for some period of time, except a divorce -- in other words, time to come to his senses.

P.S. If she's cheating on someone else to be with him, two points: People repeat the patterns of their lives; a time will come when your husband is the old shoe and she meets a new shiny. Look for a casual, friendly opportunity to make this observation to Husband. If he gets upset don't argue; you just need to say it once.

Second, her cheating must be planting explosives in her own family. If it explodes the whole situation could change. Another reason to give it time.